Monkey Dumplings

100 Gratitudes: A New Year's Project 56-62

2011-03-07T04:22:00.000-08:00

Howdy! I sit here on a snowy Monday morning, the kids going bonkers in another room because they have a snow day and I am taking a moment to finally get back to this blog. Sorry about the long delay.

#56) Too much to do!

Yes, I said it. I am grateful that I am too busy even to sit down and write this blog on a regular basis. I would rather have too much to do than too little. When I die, I would rather leave some things I wanted to do undone, than think that the world only held enough intersting things in it to fill my one little lifetime.

#57) Three year olds!

I have one now. Noah turned 3 on Friday. He had his first real birthday party that wasn't just family. He was excited all day long and had his little nosed pressed up to the window, looking for his friends as the hour of the party approached. It was a big success. The picture above must be from last fall, when he was still very much two, but I had never seen it, so in it goes!

#58) Friends who make me do things I wouldn't otherwise do.

Like run a half-marathon. A big group of us have run the Burlington marathon in teams and pairs and singles over the last few years, raising money for the March of Dimes. This year I am splitting it with my friend Cybelle. If she weren't counting on me to run the second half, I know I wouldn't be training at all. Seriously, it's fun, companionable and you have other people who feel your pain to whine with. What could be better?

#59) Blogs from people who live in warmer climates and who have a beautiful eye for color.

This time of year, I need a little color. I like to go over to Jane Brockett's blog to see what she is up to over in England. Spring comes much earlier on the other side of the pond.

#60) Upcoming writing workshop!

Starts this Thursday, and will last 6 weeks. In fact it ends a few days before we leave for Italy. I am excited, terrified and, of course, find myself without a single thing to write about. Must try to organize all my ideas....

#61) Upcoming dog training class!

Starts Wednesday evening. If you have never taken one of these, and you have a pupy or a young dog, or any dog, that is a bit rough around the edges, you should totally go sign yourself and your fur-ball up. These are so fun. Poppy is awesome, but she needs some more training.

#62) Poppy.

She is such a sweet girl! She LOVES the kids, LOVES Max and is really well beahved. She comes when she is called, sits when she is asked and is very playful and loving. She is only 9 months olds, so she needs some more training, but she is smart, eager to please and totally adorable. We hit the doggy jack-pot again!

What are you grateful for today? (By the way, I am loving the comments, keep them coming!)

100 Gratitudes: A New Year's Project 51-55

2011-02-10T12:38:00.001-08:00

Howdy! The time gets away from me, but I am having such a lovely couple of weeks. So very many wonderful things going on. So without further ado...

#51) Rescuing dogs.

We are getting a new dog! We haven't determined her name yet, but she will be arriving on a P.E.T.S. Transport from Kentucky on Feb. 26th. She is in the same foster home as Max was, and her foster mom says she is just like Max in a golden-girl outfit. We are going through Goldenhuggs Rescue. I HIGHLY recommend them and urge you to immediately go check out their petfinder page, AFTER looking at our cutie first, of course. Her name-to-be is Poppy!

#52) Valentine's Day!

I love this holiday. It brings color and cheer, chocolate and flowers, hugs and, perhaps most importantly, cupcakes!

#53) Vacation.

The kids are on February break for 10 days. I love it. I wish it weren't quite so cold so we could ski more, but we are seeing family and friends, so we are happy.

#54) Hilda!

She was our au pair, now she is just our beloved friend. We talk to her all the time and we will be seeing her for a couple of weeks in Italy this spring. Yay! May every one's kids have a young person like Hilda in their lives. They simply adore her.

#55) Upcoming trips.

Dreaming, planning, researching. It is so fun to get ready for a family trip. This spring we will be going to Tuscany for 3 weeks with our whole family, and Hilda, and the kids are so excited. So are we. Great food, great wine and a beautiful house, not to mention, art, architecture, history and SUNSHINE! Can't wait.

More to come, but I need to play with my kidlets.

What are you grateful for today?

100 Gratitudes: A New Year's Project 45-50

2011-02-05T04:05:00.001-08:00

Good Morning! We have had the most beautiful, snowy weather here since the "big" storm, which wasn't really that big here. We got about 10-14 inches of snow, but oh my goodness, what snow it is! Light as a feather and heaven to ski through. AND, the sun, when shining, has actually been warm! Turn your face to it and feel it soak in warm.

#45) Walks in the sun down snowy roads.

It was so quiet and beautiful out and Noah and I took Max the dog down to visit our neighbor, the mule, on such a gorgeous February afternoon. Love late winter!

#46) Sledding!

So exhilarating. So giggle inducing. So god for my butt! Below are the boys working on packing down a path for the flying saucers. Observe their different techniques. First Kai. (Having trouble loading video, please be patient! Back soon.)

Then Noah.

#46) Our health.

Nobody is sick, or hurt, or needs treatment for anything scary! I am thankful for that at least once a day.

#47) Money for travel.

We are so, so lucky to have the money to travel. With 5 people, some trips call for serious savings, but it is so worth it. Since September we have been on a serious belt-tightening diet so we can spend 3 weeks in Italy this spring with my family. I would so rather have fewer things, no babysitting and wear old clothes but be able to travel. For me, it's a no-brainer! We are also heading out west this summer. We feel deeply lucky to be able to show our kids some of the world.

#48) Co-sleeping

Noah is still in bed with us. Kai comes in on my side almost every night and Grace snuggles in on Zach's side. I love the family bed! It made such a difference in the kids' attachment when they first came home. It helped them transition from institutionalized orphans, to beloved children in a family. It's not for everyone, but I am so glad it works for us.

#49) Chocolate.

Does this need any explanation? I think not.

#50) Laughter.

The kind that makes your belly hurt, or the sound of the kids from another room. Certain people have great laughs. My friend's daughter Emma for instance has one of the all time great laughs. I try to make her giggle whenever possible. Kai's laugh ascends the scale until it breaks way high up in his throat. Grace sounds like she has been smoking for years. Noah's laugh is breathless. One of my favorite laughs is Zach's laugh when something funny surprises him. His face is beautiful in laughter. Isn't every one's though?

100 Gratitudes: A New Year's Project 44-

2011-02-03T14:49:00.000-08:00

Hi there! Sorry it has been a quiet week. We had to put down our older dog, so we have been sad around here. She was 14 and lived a good and happy life. She also lasted a year past her diagnosis of "riddled with cancer" so that was awesome. She was a great dog and we miss her.

ZIA

Feb 1, 1997 - Jan 31, 2011

#44) I am grateful to be able to help my pets pass with dignity. Our fantastic vet and friend, Emily, made a house call and Zia died peacefully in my arms. The kids were able to be there and give her loving through the end, and she wasn't stressed or worried or in pain.

That is all for today. Zia deserves her own post. She was a brown hunk of yummi dog-love and she is missed.

100 Gratitudes: A New Year's Project 40-43

2011-01-29T03:34:00.000-08:00

Good morning! Sorry for the silence. Our weeks are busy, and the weather has been glorious so we are outside a lot and I am in the middle of several projects and, and, and.............

So, without any more ado..

#40) Skiing

I snuck out early on Wednesday with Grace and Noah and met up with some friends and we had a glorious morning before Grace had to go to school. I am so LUCKY to live in a place where I have my choice of 4 ski resorts and have passes to 2. That I can go with my younger two during the week, and hit the terrain park with Kai on the weekends (although I will say, friends, it takes a lot of willpower NOT to freak out as your 7 year old goes flying through the air above your head. Just sayin.). I have a fluid group of fantastic friends I ski with, and we try to get out without our kids at least once a week, with varying degrees of success. There is nothing like standing on top of snow-capped mountains on a beautiful day, surrounded by friends, or even alone, and pointing your skis downhill. It is soul filling fun.

#41) Mountains.

And while we are on the subject. I am grateful to live in the mountains. I have thought about this a lot. I love the sea, goodness knows I love the deep, dark, changing, mysterious northern sea. I also love the gentle, turquoise, warm, gorgeous tropical sea. I am an equal opportunity water lover! However, I am a mountain girl. I NEVER get tired of looking at the mountains. I love them in all seasons. I love the way the clouds race across them on a breezy summer day. I love the way sunset and sunrise paint them pink in the winter. I love the way the green of spring slowly climbs upwards towards the peaks in May and the flaming oranges and reds of autumn descend down into the valleys in October. I love exploring them, climbing up in all seasons, swimming in their streams (summer only, I'm not insane) and knowing a little about the creatures who live in their forests. Yes, I am a mountain girl.

#42) An endless supply of dry kindling!

This won't mean a lot to those of you who live in warm places, BUT, having a woodworking husband means I have access to tons of scraps of perfectly dried wood to start fires with. I don't even have to go outside! I just slip down to his workshop and raid the scrap bin. Let me tell you, last weekend, when it was -30, I was giggling with glee at my good fortune. And yesterday, when we ran out of heating fuel (whoops, my bad) the house never even had a chance to get cold because the fire started up so fast. It's just lovely.

#43) My own workspace.

So, as it turns out, everybody in our house has a space of their own except me. The kids have playrooms, Zach has his shop, and I have.....the dining room table. Or rather, I did, until now. Zach and I have decided to turn the alcove in our bedroom into my space, and it is beautiful. It has the best view of Mt. Mansfield, and fits a desk, a comfy chair and a big table for sewing. Here's what it looked like before we started.

Yes, those are boxes filled with my crap for the 1001 projects I have going at any given time.

This is my darling husband painting it for me because he is the best!

First coat done. And then when he was all finished and it was gorgeous and warm and we both lay on our bed admiring it, he asked me if I wanted him to make me a sewing table. I said sure, and had something simple in mind, like a piece of plywood nailed to 4 4x4's. He disappeared into the workshop and a day later re-emerged with this for me:

Maple skirting, cherry legs, and walnut edging. So gorgeous! Now he is making me bookshelves and fabric storage. I do so love that man. I'll keep posting pictures as my space comes together. I am so lucky!

What are you grateful for today?

100 Gratitudes: A New Year's Project 36-39

2011-01-24T04:03:00.000-08:00

Good morning! It is somewhere between -27 and -36 outside my house right now, depending on which thermometer one chooses to believe. School is starting 90 minutes late and my boys are in the bath together playing with funnels, while my girl gets an extra hour of sleep. No matter how crazy his days are, Kai still gets up before 6am, EVERY DAY! He is the original morning person.

So, with the freezing cold out there, I am grateful for very many things like...

#36) the ability to buy heating fuel! It is MINUS 27 to 36 degrees without any windchill factor, and my house is nice and toasty. I am deeply grateful and hope my neighbors are equally safe and warm.

#37) My wood stove. I love it, it is cheerful and warming and no Vermont house feels right without one, or at least a fireplace, but a wood stove is better for heating a house, I think.

#38) Color. I crave color this time of year, and every little bit of it is soothing to an eye that loves, but is getting weary of, the winter palate of white, silver, gray etc.

Every bit of color, whether man made or natural, is a little bit of joy right now!

#39) Sunlight.

Especially shining on a couch or chair where I can curl up and feel it's, admittedly weak right now, warmth. Later this winter will be the thrilling moment when I am out for a walk with Max, and the sun will be at my back and I will suddenly realize that it is WARMING me through my jacket. I may even have to take off a layer. Oh that is pure magic, that moment. As John Denver said "Sunshine on my shoulder, makes me happy." Corny, but simple and true.

What are you grateful for this lovely morning?

100 Gratitudes: A New Year's Project 29-35

2011-01-22T03:32:00.000-08:00

Good morning! Sorry I haven't been here every day. Life can get hectic with 3 little ones and all their activities. But I am almost done with my gratitudes in my handwritten journal, so I am not slacking on the project, just finding it hard to carve out 30 minutes to blog. Better than being bored with nothing to do though, right? So.....

#29) Sleep.

I had the best night's sleep last night. I went to bed embarrassingly early and managed to sleep away an impending migraine. I feel so lively and awake at 6:20am, not a usual occurrence for me. There really is nothing as good for the mind or soul as a good night's sleep.

#30) Music.

I grew up in a musical house, I had full run of the Stuttgart Opera house as a child, we always had a music room in every home. I married a musician, have a sister who is a musician, have in-laws who are musicians. I like everything from Beethoven to Beck, Chopin to Caravan Palace, Bach to Bela Fleck, Puccini to Pink Martini (hey, that rhymes!). I love Bluegrass, funk, soul, classical, jazz, standards, alternative, grunge, folk, dance..... the list is endless. I am grateful to be able to hear and enjoy music.

#31) Concerts.

And since we are heading out tomorrow to take the kids to a Dan Zanes concert, I'll just say how much I love seeing music live. Especially with the kids, especially in the summer and outside. BUT as tomorrow afternoon is never going to get above zero (!) I am thrilled to spend a couple of hours inside dancing with my family.

#32) Skype.

I am, at heart, rather old fashioned, and I am not a lover of gadgets and technology just for the sake of the "next thing," but when something works as well as Skype to connect me to loved ones so far away, well, how lucky am I to live in a time when I can see people while I talk to them across time zones and oceans?! How about that for a run-on sentence?

#33) Wool socks.

Hand knit or Smartwool, there is nothing in the world like a pair of well made socks.

#34) My in-laws.

I married into THE coolest family. So smart, talented, artistic, funny, chatty, lively, loving, and deeply cool. They all get along inspiringly well and hanging out and chatting with any of them is absolutely one of my all time favorite pastimes. Missing from the photos below are Zach's sister Stefanie, who is actually sleeping in my guestroom as we speak, and Cousin Mark, who is too wily and fast for a camera. Must rectify my lack of photos of them immediately!

#35) Sunrise over the mountains.

So glad I am here to see it!

100 Gratitudes: A New Year's Project 25-28

2011-01-19T05:25:00.000-08:00

Good snowy morning to you! A lovely day to get out and play. Which is exactly what will be happening today. But, here we go for today...

#25)

Old friends. I have a lot of them. I am blessed. Just yesterday a friend posted some pictures on Facebook of us when we were little and it is so cool to have those memories brought back. When we got married, I had 9 bridesmaids (I know, I know) and every single one of them had been a friend forever.

#26)

New friends. I love making new friends! I love meeting someone and recognizing a kindred spirit in them. I have been beyond lucky, since moving back to Waterbury, to have met a bunch of people like this. (You know who you are, my little skiing buddies!) So amazing to meet new people with whom you can be yourself completely. This community seems particularly full of awesome souls.

#27)

Flowers. Especially at this monochromatic time of year, they are balm to the eyes. Sometimes a picture of them is enough, or a cheery fabric pattern covered in flowers. What an amazing part of our world!

#28)

Great movies. Ones I could, and have, seen over and over again. The Philadelphia Story, The Princess Bride, A Fish Called Wanda, A Room with a View, Enchanted April, The Bourne Series, Mostly Martha, Amelie....... The list goes on and on. If you want to amuse me, just put anything with Katherine Hepburn in on the TV and I am there!

100 Gratitudes: A New Year's Project 21-24

2011-01-18T05:18:00.000-08:00

Good Morning! The snow is staring to fall, and my day is fairly open, which is a treat. What to do, what to do? Well first, I think I will make a big breakfast that features quite a lot of the next thing I am grateful for!

#21)

Maple Syrup. We buy it in gallon jugs or more. We put it on everything. I cook with it. The kids may have syrup running through their veins. Yum.

#22)

Cuddles. Grateful for arms and legs to hold my loved ones close.

#23)

Cats. Sweet, cool, distant, cuddly, self-sustaining fuzz-balls. Behold Jack and Maggie. Taking a rest from keeping my house rodent-free.

#24)

Clean sheets. I love clean sheet day and the smooth cool feel of curling up in them.

100 Gratitudes: A New Year's Project 16-20

2011-01-17T04:56:00.000-08:00

Good morning! Hope everyone had a lovely weekend. We did, but I find myself really grumpy this morning. Like, really, mean-mommy, would give almost anything for a few hours of solitude that does not include cleaning of any kind, grumpy. Oh well. C'est la vie! On mornings like this, it is, I think, extremely important to spell out what you are grateful for and what your blessings are. So...

#16)

Books. I can not imagine a life without books. I am currently on a reading tear. I am re-reading old favorites and devouring all my Christmas books. I love knitting books and cookbooks and books about creativity and beauty. I like classics and and children's books and even a well written romance (just discovered Georgette Heyer, and she is sheer light hearted amusement, perfect for a stormy day in front of the fire with frequent interuptions). I love non-fiction. I love history. I love science and books on the environment. I am an equal opportunity book lover. I can't stand literary snobs. I figure whatever floats someone's boat. For my part, I just re-read Cold Comfort Farm. Any book that has 4 cows in it named Aimless, Graceless, Pointless and Feckless is definately worth reading. "Ah, for this I cowdled ye as a mommet!" Love that book.

#17)

Winter.

The joy of playing in the snow and on the ice, coupled with the peace and security of curling up by the fire.

#18)

Indoor plumbing and HOT running water. I live in Vermont. 'Nuff said.

#19)

Vanilla. The smell of baking and comfort food.

#20)

Silence. Soul filling quiet. So rarely achieved, but occasionally in the woods with a blanket of snow, there it is. Total silence. Love that.

100 Gratitudes: A New Year's Project 13-15

2011-01-14T06:26:00.000-08:00

Good Morning! I hope you are all doing well. This has actually been a bit of a trying week, what with the horrors of Tuscon, the destruction of the storage barn at our favorite organic farm (and provider of our CSA share), and the death of a wonderful member of our community who was also our vet and the father of one of our divine babysitters. She called me yesterday morning, right after he had passed and the grief in her voice was overwhelming. I have been so sad for her, her brother and their whole family. What has been amazing is the way our community has come together to support each other through the loss of this friend. So with that in mind....

13) My community. I am so grateful to live in a town where people are beholden to each other, and far from resenting it, they revel in it. There are arguments, and the usual petty disagreements of course, but I am proud to a member of what really feels like a team. It is really, the most amazing community, Zach and I talk about how lucky we are all the time.

The picture below is from the elementary school lantern parade, right before the solstice. Several hundred schoolkids, the entire faculty, hundred of parents, all carrying hand made lanterns led by a raucous Brazilian Drum band marching through town to the green and back on street lined with community supporters. Pictures were hard to get because I didn't want to miss a moment of this magical event. The line of lanterns was endless, there was a light snow falling, and it was the perfect way to welcome back the sun as it turns it's light back toward the north. The best part was that everyone I saw that night really GOT what a special place this town is. It was radiating from all of us.

#14)

Fresh, locally grown food. I love the anticipation of seeing what will be in my CSA share every week. I love getting our meat from a farm I love to visit. I am grateful beyond words to have fresh food at my disposal, and to be able to feed my family without worry about where the next meal will come from.

#15)

Masterpiece Theatre. I love a good costume drama! I am girly that way.

What are you grateful for today?

100 Gratitudes: A New Year's Project 10-12

2011-01-13T04:50:00.000-08:00

Good morning! It's a snowy winter wonderland here. Can't wait to go play in it, just need to wake up a little more. Here is who is already out there romping around..

#10) Dogs

Max the Dog, the wonderful dog! We are so lucky to have this amazing creature! He was hours from being euthanized this time last year. Now he is a certified therapy dog, kid snuggler-in-chief, walk and hike companion, and general good natured gentleman around the house. He is also the first male dog I have ever owned! Weird, but true.

Then there is Zia Brown dog. This dog is nothing but pure love on legs. Here is a picture of the sweet brown-sugar love in her younger days.

Then there are the dogs of our past. Before we had kids, we had dogs . A funny pack of 4 girl dogs who were mischievous and awesome. We were so lucky to have such a dynamic herd of furry daughters. This is Sadie. She lived to be 17 1/2. She was quite the lady.

This was Kyly, Zach's heart dog. She was trouble wrapped up in a big smooshy, soft, love ball. Man was she trouble, but sweet. She lived to be 14 years old.

This was Sabrina, the dog of my heart. My friend, my companion, the being I could communicate with using only my eyes or my breath. We were linked, and I miss her every day. She lived to be 15 years old.

Dogs fill our days with joy. I have never, and will never, live without dogs.

#11)

Dad.

A wonderful grandfather, a loving man, a gift to music. I have always felt loved by my father, every day of my life, which is no small thing for a child of divorce. No matter what was happening in his adult relationships, I knew my dad loved me. What a gift.

#12)

Naps. I love naps. They feel so indulgent and luxurious, especially if there is a warm body curled up with you. Noah is an especially snugly napper, but on the, rare, occasions that Zach will lie down, he is an awesome dozing partner too.

What are you grateful for today?

100 Gratitudes: A New Year's Project 6-9

2011-01-12T04:33:00.001-08:00

Good morning! We are having a snow-day, the first of our winter (I don't count the weird day in October when school was cancelled for no apparent reason) and we are snuggled in. So, with no further ado....

#6)

SNOW DAYS! Unexpected little vacations. Days to play in new and lovely snow, or if it's really freezing and blowing, snuggle up by the fire and do art projects and read. A little bonus day of togetherness.

#7) Mom.

Funny, GENEROUS(!!!), smart, warm, loving. The perfect travel partner, always up for something fun, the best grandmother, creator of my delightful childhood. My friend, my confidant, my mommy. Oh, and so, so FUNNY. Did I mention how funny she is?

#8) Siblings.

Full siblings, half siblings, step siblings. These people have my back. They are infuriating and loving, sweet and funny. The keepers of my childhood memories. Another perspective on our parents.My staunchest defenders, my most honest critics. My friends.

#9)

Polly.

My other mother. Maternal Unit 2 (MU2). Wise, loving, kind, funny. My mothers partner in life, my children's Big Pa. Everybody should have a Polly. Plus she's cute and has a Texas accent!

What are you grateful for today?

100 Gratitudes: A New Year's Project 3-5

2011-01-11T04:05:00.000-08:00

Good Morning! Continuing on with the things, big and little, that I am grateful for.

#3) This girl.

Yes, yes, yes! I get to spend my days knowing, loving and parenting Rowan Grace Taylor. Take the wee hours of last night, for instance. I awoke to a warm little body snuggling in next to mine, covering my face and hands with kisses and then tickling my arm as she, and I, drifted back into a sweet, sweet slumber. She has a STUBBORN STREAK! She hates being told what to do. She despises being thought wrong. She will bend over backwards to make others feel welcome, but there have also been days when I have missed the signals and the child just needed to be left to herself. Those are trying days. She teaches me to be observant. She teaches me about self-knowledge, the capacity to give to others and when to self preserve. She is strong, graceful, and funny. She is Grace.

#4)

This boy.

Oh dear lord this child is sweet. And infuriating. And FUNNY! And willful. And smart. And stubborn. And very, very, two. Textbook two as a matter of fact. Just when you think you know how to do something, like usher someone through the toddler years, BAM, the universe has a giggle and sends you a Noah. I am so grateful. He is SO snugly and soft and loving. He says the best things. He is so full of joy and love. He is a handful. I don't remember life before him. He fills our hearts and our souls with gratitude. Every day with him is new and sweet. Wonder what he will get up to today?

#5)

My morning cup of coffee. Just sneaking this in as I sit here enjoying it. I start looking forward to this the night before. I love everything about coffee. The smell of the beans, the sound of the grinder, the anticipation of the first cup, the feel of my hands wrapped around a mug. I like espresso, in all it's foamed and steamed milk forms. I regular coffee, strong and blond, no sugar. I am not a fan of flavored coffees, I am a purist that way, but will occasionally add a dash of cinnamon or cocoa powder to a frothy cup. The town I live in is the headquarters for Green Mountain Coffee Roasters, and the other day as I was running with Max the dog, way on the other side of the village, across the river, a breeze would kick up periodically and carry on it the smell of roasting beans from the factory. It made me so happy to smell that. Talk about taking your mind off your aching muscles! Yes, I love coffee.

Tell me what you are grateful for today!

100 Gratitudes: A New Year's Project

2011-01-10T05:08:00.000-08:00

Helllooooooooo!!! Hi, I'm back. Remember me? So, lots has happened since I last checked in and there is lots to write about, but most of it is along the lines of your average daily life stuff, so there is no pressing hurry to fill you in. Instead, I want to do a little exercise I was given by the lovely Ms. Mulvaney over at Persisting Stars. I am to write down 100 things I am grateful for. Simple right? Actually yes. The list is writing itself faster than my hand can follow. I have been writing it in a lovely blank book, but it occurs to me that shouting your gratitude to the world for all to hear (or in this case, read) is an easy way to spread a little joy around, and maybe get some of you all to think about everything you are grateful for in your own lives. I will post one or two a day until I have worked my way down my list. I am already discovering that 100 is an absurdly small number.

So, here we go, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER (lest anyone/thing get offended;):

#1)

My husband. My funny, loving, handsome partner in crime. I am deeply grateful to have married someone with whom I am so compatible. I am so lucky to have met him. I have loved other people and met many other people I could love, but he is my choice, and I am his. The fact that we don't take our luck for granted is a big part of what makes us feel so grateful. We are easy together. We can be ourselves. We know that there were and are other people we could be with. In a way, that is what makes our marriage so special. We choose it, over and over again. Yes we drive each-other bat-shit crazy sometimes, but honestly, we get along absurdly well. We are only 14 years into this thing, so who knows what the future holds, but for now and forever, I am so grateful that I get get to be with him while I can. Here is a picture from our wedding, almost 10 years ago. (Yikes! that went fast)

#2)

This boy:

Oh my, what did I do deserve being this child's mother? How on earth could anyone be so lucky! Sweet, smart, loving, funny and cuddly. Kai is sensitive and reckless, caring and wild, loving and tough. He is both easy and impossible to parent and has the dubious privilege of being the oldest, thereby bearing the brunt of all my parenting mistakes. This he does with a kind of grace and forgiveness I can only hope to emulate. He is a prince among boys with a heart big enough to encircle the world.

Coming to an end

2010-08-20T11:36:00.000-07:00

Summer that is. We have been waking up the past few mornings positively shivering because we left all the windows open and the house is freezing. It gets cold in the evenings in August every year, and every year I am surprised. I am an old dog and no, you can not, in fact, teach me any new tricks.

The trees are laden with ripening apples. They aren't ready yet, but the deer and bears should have no problem putting on those last few pounds before winter. I feel a sudden urgency to go pick blackberries and see if my sister has any blueberries left.

We finally had a rainy day and I got the house almost totally clean. The weather has been so glorious this summer, I haven't wanted to spend even an extra second inside. When we have these perfect, Vermont summers, I go into fall and winter joyfully, because I have spent every summer moment soaking up rays, getting sun-burned, eating too many s'mores and hot dogs, watching shooting stars, hiking, fishing, camping, getting sweaty and hot, riding the horses, picking fresh veggies and fruits from gardens and lazing around. I start to crave the cold so I can get some things done. I start to want to hibernate and cook heavy, sustaining food.

The pond has gotten colder now that the nights are getting chilly. The first trees have started turning. Just a patch here and there, but it is the start, or the end, depending on how you look at it. But first we have a little left of August and the glorious, beautiful September which, year after year, proves to be the most spectacular month of them all.

School starts on Wednesday. I am not a big fan of starting before Labor Day, but the kids are beside themselves with excitement. Kai is going into 1st grade. He has a new teacher, a beautiful woman with two daughters who we know a little bit (flat out THE nicest little girls I have ever met) and if she teaches anything like she parents, Kai will have the best 2 years of his life! That's right, two years. We have combined 1st and 2nd grade at our school which I love. Not only do the kids get to keep the same teacher for 2 years, but they get to both have mentors and then be mentors. It's awesome.

Grace heads off to Kindergarten and will have the same fabulous teacher Kai had. We are very excited.

So, Noah and I will be on our own for a few hours Monday through Thursday. Something he has never experienced. My goal this fall is to make sure I have a little one-on-one time with each kid, because people, the time it surely does fly by.

Our summer so far, Part II (Austria, Germany and The Wedding)

2010-07-16T12:57:00.000-07:00

We all packed up and flew off to Germany at the end of June, where we stayed with my very first BFF, Myriam, who is still the soul of awesome. We met and fell in love when we were 7 and my family was living in Stuttgart. We did many things during our weekend with her, but remembering the camera was not one of them. Some of the things you can't see are: a trip to the Munich Zoo, hilarity on the biggest and coolest swing I've ever seen, and watching Germany beat England in the World Cup while in a Biergarten surrounded by, literally, thousands of screaming Germans decked out in red, yellow and black. We remembered the camera 5 minutes before we pulled out and got a few pics of us girls.

We also forgot the camera during most of the first week we were in Linz hanging out with dad before the wedding, when we went to Salzburg and the Salzkammergut and when we hit the city of Passau on our way back to Germany. Passau, which is my new favorite German town. So cheerful and cute and beautifully situated!

We DID remember the camera when we took a gondola up into the mountains. It was HOT while we were there, which is why everything was so hazy, but beautiful nonetheless. What you can't hear in this picture is the sound of cowbells in the distance as dairy cows meander through their summer pasture, and the almost breathless whirr of paragliders passing overhead. It was lovely.

It was so hot that we had to rest often and the kids took this opportunity to learn how to tie their shoes. REALLY?? THIS is the place, and THIS is the moment you NEED to learn to tie your shoes? OK. Weird, but they both learned.

An aside. While we were up there, we had lunch at one of the huts that serves hikers food and drink. At the table next to us was a gang of men having a day out. They were aged young to old and in varying degrees of in-shapedness. They were all polishing off large steins of beer when the waitress brought over a round of shots. I assumed they were done hiking and would soon stagger over to the gondola and hitch a ride down. I was wrong. We finished eating and got up to leave at the same time they did. We all headed down the trail together, but they soon out-stripped us, even a drunk Austrian being faster than a 5 year old. I wished them happy hiking as they passed. LITERALLY 300 yards after we started we came to yet another hut that served food and drink, albeit it, not quite the variety of the first. By the time we got there, the gentlemen were already ordering their first round, and it dawned on me: we were witnessing an alpine pub crawl! When we returned by the same route 45 minutes later, they were paying and pointing to yet another hut that could be seen in the distance. They were going for it. These guys were not in shape, a few of them had not seen their toes in quite some time. They must have made it despite the heat and liqour because we didn't hear anything about a rescue of 15 drunk Austrians from the alps.

Saturday, July 3rd (wedding day) dawned beautiful. We took a train to the wedding hotel. At the station, Zach took a picture of a train heading to a famous Austrian town (the other one being Fucking. Swear to God, that's how it's spelled!) When in Germany we saw signs for Pupping, which is spelled harmlessly but pronounced "Pooping." Zach and I have an infantile sense of humor, we giggled for miles.

Waiting for the train.

Wheeeeee!!!!! Watch out for branches!

When we got to the hotel (which they rented in all it's entire, awesome, cool, glory,) there were several hours to unwind, swim, play raquetball whatever, before the ceremony.

Below is my 1/2 sister Isabel. She's 9. Dudes, my next post is about my family, it's make-up and why the people who fight for the supposed "family values" have no idea what they are talking about. We are about as twisted a family tree as you can get, but you cannot tell me we are not awesome! I think that will be my next post.

Isabel and her adorable and sweet friend Unji, whose name, I realize, I have no idea how to spell. Any Koreans out there familiar with that name? (pronounce Yuunji)

Getting the flowergirl ready.

Dressing the ring-bearer.

The blessing- water-carrier hugging the flowergirl.

Now, it should be known that I adore my father and that, furthermore, he is clueless when it comes to pop-culture. So please know, it was not his intention to dress as Doctor Evil, but it was, alas, the result. The man is one hairless cat away from world domination! He, of course, has never seen the movies.

Maki, his new wife, is lovely, and talented and sweet. She nursed him through cancer and all the kids adore her.

This picture makes me very, very, happy.

Maki's mom came from Tokyo and sang several beautiful Japanese folk songs. She speaks neither German nor English (I speak German with Maki as do most people, dad included) but she sang beautifully. Maki translated the words. Then dad spoke to her in Japanese, which made me cry because it was very sweet and clearly meaningful to her. They will repeat the ceremony at a temple in Tokyo later this summer so Maki's family can be there.

My gorgeous sister provided the music.

word about the reception. The FOOD!!! Dear God, the FOOD! They spared no expense. It went on for hours. There was a different wine for every course. It was amazing.

The next day we walked from the hotel down to the Danube, about 7 miles away, on a path that followed a lovely stream.

Once there we were hosted to delicious coffee and cake at this castle, where my father's dear friend Heribert lives (in an apartment, not the whole thing.) His girlfriend Ula made all the cakes. They were amazing. Then we took a boat back to Linz on the Danube, about a 3 hour ride, which was great, but a little too long for those of us with 2 year old trying to fling themselves into the river. Fortunately they served beer onboard.

We were done taking pictures by the time we got on the boat. We were fried by then, but the kids loved it.

Anyway, the weather was great, the trip was awesome and the wedding was beautiful and thoughtfully planned. We had a wonderful time and wish Dad and Maki every happiness.

Some thoughts on family coming soon........

Summer so far, Part I

2010-07-14T13:49:00.000-07:00

Here is a heavily pictorial view of our summer to-date. It has been a bit nuts, but we are loving every hot, steamy minute.

We have been fishing, a lot...

We have been going to concerts of all kinds.....

and at those concerts it is imperative that one wrestle with one's siblings...

and then sit upon them in victory!

We spend an absurd amount of time bombing around grandma's place in the Toro...

and having cookouts with our cousin.....

who has perfected the art of marshmallow roasting.

We went on our 2nd annual "Summer kick-off Campout!" with 9 families for a total of 18 parents and 20 kids. It was awesome. Kai caught and cooked his own small-mouth bass. He was so proud. His friend Jamie caught and cooked a pretty little rainbow trout.

Some of the handsome and cool dads of our town. Yes, Zach is one of them.

The view. That was on night one, the next 2 days were full of glorious sunshine.

The hot tamale mamas and my awesome friends!

My friend G made a school-bus pinata for the kids to destroy in celebration of the end of the school year. They really went after that thing.

Some of the big girls painted faces......

and so did some of the little guys. Noah is also teaching himself to drive.

I made this dress for Grace.

Comfort and the ability to turn cartwheels in it were design essentials.

Grace was a frog in the end of the year dance recital. The stage make-up freaked me right out, but they go up on an actual stage with lights and they get totally washed-out without it. The eye make-up was unnecessary, but once she saw other girls putting it on, it wasn't worth the fight to say no. It's really hard to see a little girl in grown-up make-up.

Here she is warming up with the ladybugs, bluebirds and butterflies.

The kids have been practicing their self-portraits.

Kai, Grace and cousin Aldwyn decided to make instruments, one rainy day

Now they have a band called, naturally, the Rubber Band.

Noah may actually be turning into a hotdog.

There is so much more. I still have to upload all the pictures from Austria, which are awesome, but I thought I would just start posting again with these so you all can see why there hasn't been much time for blogging.

Back soon!

I'm back......

2010-07-08T05:50:00.000-07:00

Sorry, we've been crazed! End of school and all the attending hoopla, and then we just got back from a 10 day trip to Austria and Germany to visit my dad and attend his wedding (his 5th! Whatever. She's lovely and he's happy and that is a whole other, albeit amusing, post.) So, let me just get over my jet-lag and then I'll post some of the many fabulous pictures we've taken over the last 6 weeks.

Stay tuned!

Someone's going in timeout!

2010-05-27T09:25:00.001-07:00

Well, a great big THANK YOU to everyone who so generously gave to the Kyrgyzstan food drive. I am still collecting some local funds and then off it goes to Adoption Options and on the Kyrgyzstan.

Now, I have a little something to say about the oil spill. I am so tired of all these executives and politicians passing blame around to the next person. Nobody wants to take responsibility for this thing. Not even my fearless leader! Where is my President? These oil guys need a smack-down, and you are the man to give it to them. If you won't, I'm sure Michelle would be happy to. Step aside and let a mother dole out some discipline for crying out loud. 'Cause from where I sit, EVERYONE needs to go in time out.

It is so hard to teach kids to take responsibility for their actions when all around them, the people with power are shirking their duty. But of course, I have to take responsibility for my part in the disaster. I drive an SUV. I like to justify it my explaining that I live in Vermont and need 4wd and a third row because we have 3 kids. BUT, I am sure we could figure out a way to have a smaller car. I love to travel and they have not yet figured out a hybrid airplane, to my knowledge. I could be so much more vigilant in reducing my consumer footprint, but I forget, I get busy and then giant oil companies get greedy and lazy, and the next thing you know, brown pelicans will be BACK on the endangered species list. It can happen devastatingly fast.

What I am saying, is that we have a lot of power here and we need to learn to use it. To teach our children responsibility to the planet and their neighbors by showing them a gentler way to live. We have the power to make our government push the oil companies aside and get this mess cleaned up. I would much rater see our navy deployed for this purpose than for a war. We have the power to put giant, multi-national companies in their place by being conscientious and careful consumers. They should be worshipping at OUR altars, not the other way around. All it takes is an agreement that WE, the people of the earth, matter and we aren't taking this shit anymore. Realizing that you don't need that thing being advertised on TV, that you can use your money elsewhere, or even save it. Realize that our decisions and our dollars have infinite power, and thereby we have a voice, and loud one, to speak for those who can't speak for themselves. I don't have a responsibility to any stockholders, I have a responsibility to my children and to you, yes YOU, my fellow human being, who are worthy of a planet that isn't destroyed by greed. There are more of us than them. Let's link arms and get something DONE.

I would like my kids to be able to see the Louisiana marshland someday, if they want. I think it is their right to have a planet as unharmed as possible. Even if it means giving up my SUV.

And thus endeth my wishful rant.......

They are going HUNGRY, for Pete's sake!!

2010-05-13T19:50:00.000-07:00

OK, I know we are all pinched for cash right now. But we got an e-mail from our adoption agency, the one we used for Noah, saying that in the midst of the political crises in Kyrgyzstan, the kids in the orphanages are being forgotten. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH FOOD!!! As often happens in times of political and social upheaval, the most vulnerable citizens are being left behind. THEY ARE GOING HUNGRY!

Sorry for the yelling, but these are Noah's former roommates we are talking about here. We knew there was often no electricity, or running water (a truck delivers it when the pipes don't work) but at least we thought they got enough money from the government to feed the babes. NOT SO NOW!

So, I am asking everybody I know for a $10 dollar donation. If you can do $10 per household member, or more, fantastic, but $10 is what I am asking. The idea is along the lines of "many hands make light work," or "even the smallest person can make a big difference." Believe me, every little bit helps. Ten dollars can go a long, long way food-wise.

And yes, I know, this will not fix the problem, but I don't care. It will help get some food to some people who need it NOW, while we try to come up with some better solutions. And when I say "we" I mean the global community, because we are all beholden to each other, I don't care what anyone else says. This is every one's problem.

Our agency, Adoption Options will make sure the money gets to the kids and is not intercepted by "helpers" or middlemen along the way. They are enlisting the help of the State Department and they have good contacts over there. Also, my darling husband has volunteered to be a courier if necessary.

So, if you feel like spending $10 that will REALLY make a difference, please help us. Send me a private message for either my address or our agency's address and if anyone would like to see the actual appeal message, I am happy to share it with you.

Thanks readers!

Now back to our regularly scheduled nonsense.....

We all have our days

2010-05-08T06:37:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling icky the last few days. Just sad, and frustrated and like I am not productive or doing anything of value. I know I am, according to many, doing "the most important job in the world!" but I am having a week where I feel like I am doing the bare minimum. It doesn't feel important, it feels monotonous. It feels like all I do is yell at them to stop fighting, a tactic which, I assure you, does not work. Yelling at people to stop yelling at each other, not a good strategy. A parenting tip from me to you. You're welcome

I got bored like this, only more so, when I was in the working world too. My old job had many days that sucked. It's unavoidable. Life gets boring. But we live in a world where the media doesn't want to let us get bored. If we feel stagnant, there must be something wrong with us. Take a pill! See a shrink! Take more pills. Take a pill for that syndrome we call "LIFE." I took the pills, but I don't want to be numb anymore. I want to learn how to deal with and accept the "ick" feeling. I think there may be value in it.

There is also the guilt factor. The thing with adoption is that there are always parents-to-be out there who have been waiting YEARS to have kids, gone through many IVF's, been through failed adoptions or have simply run into the endless adoption waiting period. In light of all these people who are waiting and yearning, it feels wrong to have "days." I feel like I should just be walking around in a constant haze of gratitude all the time, and I am grateful, but that doesn't stop me from feeling like shit about myself sometimes. It's different than post-adoption depression, which is a kind of natural chemical letdown after the process of adoption. That is to be expected. I mean the body can only function on that kind of panic/boredom/excitement/thrill cycle adoption requires for so long before it seriously crashes. Adoption defines the whole idea of "hurry up and wait!" This funk I'm in is, well, a different funk.

Have any of you seen that movie "Return to Me" with Minnie Driver? She is a heart transplant recipient and she gets a whole new lease on life. She is also fairly depressed and feels guilty because she thinks she should be happier, especially in light of the fact that the only reason she has the heart is because someone her age died and was an organ donor. She talks to her doctor about how she is feeling and he says "We all have our days." To which she replies "Yeah, but I don't feel like I should have 'days.'" That's how being an adoptive mother can feel sometimes. It feels like I am not supposed to have days. Especially since in my heart of hearts, I would love another child. I feel like, in order to prove I am worthy of the kids I have and the one I still want, I should never have "days". Compounded by the fact that everyone is, in fact, healthy, we have enough food and a good roof over our heads, I have a loving relationship with my husband and my family is close by, and it all starts to feel a little self-indulgent.

But what happens if you don't indulge the self's need for sadness? Does it just build up like a stockpile of fireworks, which can be set off by the smallest spark? I remember reading somewhere that it is important to let kids be bored at times, because through boredom come the really big, imaginative ideas. The greatest games, the most inspiring art, the best scientific discoveries. Isn't a fair amount of dissatisfaction necessary to force the self to keep improving, or if not improving, at least moving along the road of learning? But at what point do we just become an annoying whiner? A grumpy bitch (which is, unfortunately how my frustration manifests itself)? That person no one wants to hang out with because they only gripe about their problems, which compared to real problems are not actually problems at all. I am a bit worried I have become that girl to my real life friends. Have you ever felt like you're not connecting with the people in your life? Yeah, that's me right now. And because we never really leave high school, that has me thinking that nobody likes me and they are all laughing at my outfits behind my back.

Parenting is really freaking hard! You are surrounded by people, but not by your peers. The people you work for's idea of a performance review is a screaming fit on the kitchen floor. There is so much second guessing, and while I do in fact read, write, create and participate in the outside world, I don't get paid for it, so I am unsure of my own work's value. I, therefore, do start to wonder if I am doing a decent job when there is just one time-out after another and not 5 minutes in a row without someone ending up in tears.

This, my friends, is a bout of existential angst. Am I only "Mom" or am I more, and wherein lies my worth. If you thought you were over this kind of crap in your early 20's when it was cool to be conflicted, I am here to tell you, you will struggle with it again and again. Unless you are an unnaturally healthy person emotionally speaking, in which case I can't talk to you right now. I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself.

p.s. Thanks for being my therapists, dear readers. The check's in the mail, I swear.

I make things.

2010-05-04T15:15:00.000-07:00

One thing I make is spelling mistakes. I can't believe not one of you admonished me about my spelling of the word "traveler"over in the "About Me" column. No need to look now. I fixed it. It had an excess of l's. One of the many perils of living with spell-check, if not used properly, it makes you look like a moron.

Other things I make include this charming little ensemble for my brand new baby niece Alia.

That right there, my friends, is buttery soft baby alpaca wool in what may turn out to be the unfortunate color of "Mango." I am having reservations about the color on new-born Caucasian skin. New-born Gracie skin, hell yes! New-born AA skin, double hell yes! But white kids can be awfully jaundiced in the beginning and I'm not sure that will be enhanced by a golden yellow baby bag. Also, alpaca is very, very warm. Possibly too warm for Brooklyn in May, but her lovely mother is too kind to ever say anything. Also, the thing is finished and therefore none of my reservations matter at all as tomorrow, it is going into the mail.

Also, I wanted to make sure all my friends who love books, (and by that I mean the feel, the heft, the paper, the look, not merely the words) know about Persephone Books. I gave myself a little treat last year (OK, a big treat) and enrolled in their "1 book a month," program. Oh my goodness, I look forward to the end of each month! For then, in my black mailbox, there lies a white package with British stamps on it, and inside is a treat for the eyes, the mind, the hands, everything. I love their titles, I love their mission, and I sincerely love the care with which they republish these treasures of 20th century writing. The lovely grayish-blue covers, the carefully chosen end-paper with matching bookmark, all of it suggests publishing at its absolute finest. I highly recommend it. I read them and send them on to my mother-in-law, who, in theory, hands them on to her daughter and so on. They will make it back to me someday and I will get to re-read them, curled up in front of the fire with a cup of tea, a child nearby and the dog at my feet. I can hardly wait. Head over to the site and browse around. You won't be disappointed.

Wanting......

2010-05-02T16:38:00.001-07:00

I want another child. Specifically, I want a little girl. I want Grace to have a sister. As infuriating, or annoying a sister can be, NOBODY has your back, or will understand you like a sister. I have one. She is awesome, and we drive each other bananas. She is 8 years older than I am, and while that seems like nothing now, we barely grew up together. I would want Grace to have a sister she can grow up with.

Zach is not feeling it. Although we have always said we would have 3 OR 4 kids, he is thinks we are done. I mean, he would love Grace to have a sister too, but he is overwhelmed a lot of the time. He also needs a certain amount of quiet and order during each day and this you do not come by easily when you keep adding kids to the pot. But he is my husband, and his needs are as important as my wants. Damn it. I hate this part of marriage. I really want to stomp my feet and hold my breath until I get what I want, but somehow that seems, I don't know, immature. I think that if a child fell out of the sky and landed on our door-step, Zach would be thrilled, but honestly, kids, they don't come that way. Trust me, I have scanned the skies looking for falling babies for many years and you know what? Nary a one have I seen.

I get it, I do. We have 3 beautiful, healthy children who adore each other. We have 3 kids, when there are so very many people who are hoping, praying, dreaming of one. Or have lost one. We are so, so lucky. I know that. In fact, I think that is precisely WHY I want another one. If our kids sucked, I wouldn't be looking to add on.

The adoption process is grueling (although, I do most of the dossier, so he wouldn't have to deal with that. It's the kind of busy work I actually enjoy, but makes him break out in hives,) and the trips are, well, it ain't Provence. They get tedious and God help you if you bring the wrong set of DVDs like we did on Grace's adoption. I'm sorry, but 24 is MORONIC!! Even vodka didn't dull the pain of that show.

I understand not being able to visualize life any busier. I get overwhelmed daily. I have moments when I can't hear myself think, or stand in the kitchen for like, 5 minutes staring at the floor trying to remember what I was doing while being talked at by 3 different people, barked at by the dog when the phone starts ringing. I lose my temper daily. I crave time alone. The sheer number of parenting situations I don't know how to handle should be warning enough that maybe I should quit while I'm ahead.

My family would disapprove. I would get that pinched lipped "uh hunh" my mom does when she disagrees with something but doesn't want to get into a confrontation. She learned it at Al -anon. Supposedly it is intended to convey to the listener something like "yes I hear what you are saying," without giving an actual opinion. But the thing is, the people in my family are INCAPABLE of not giving their opinion, it causes them actual pain. So my darling mother's "Uh hunh" comes out more like a "Boy does that idea suck!" and less like a neutral "isn't that an interesting thought!" It's in her face, and the very physical strain caused by not telling you what she really thinks. She can't help it, none of us can, it's on our DNA.

Anyway, I know they all think I have my hands full. The whole world does. I am going to have to start charging people who say that to me, you know "BOY! You sure have your hands full!" Which is always said in front of my kids like they are some kind of burden to me, not people I dreamt of and wanted and flew half way across the world to find. They weren't accidents. Can you imagine? "Honey, I don't know how to tell you this, but somehow our home-study and I-600 got mailed in and, well, it's a BOY!"

I don't know why people feel it's OK to loudly and sometimes rudely give their opinions on other people's family sizes. "You're NUTS!" is one we heard a lot when we would tell people we were going for number 3. Gee, thanks. There are actually only a few people in my real world (you know, besides the entire Internet,) I even tell that I want another because I am tired of getting a look of horror or pity or revulsion from those who don't approve. People, we wouldn't be asking you to take care of it. WE would be it's parents. You would be in no way inconvenienced.

I know all of the reasons not to have another, and yet I envy people with 4 kids. There is a really cool mom in whose daughter is in Kai's class who is pregnant with her 4th. It wasn't an accident, we chatted about it when they were trying. I think she is so lucky. I see pictures of big families on different blogs, and I feel a pang. Again, they are so lucky! There is an awesome mom who adopted from Kyrgyzstan to add to her 2 boys from Russia and then a year later brought a little boy home from China. Her house is a zoo, but they are having so much fun. I would, a million times, rather have a house full of kids than a house full of nice things. The clutter drives me crazy too, but it doesn't take that long to clear it up. I love the idea of a little clan, a group of us, a team navigating through life with each other to count on. I dream of the kids having loving, fulfilling relationships all throughout their lives. I know they can have that now, but I would be so sad to know that Grace might never have a sister. I know you can't have everything in life, but honestly, this is something we COULD do.

I think about this a lot. I mean A LOT! I am scared to really have the discussion with Zach because I don't want the final answer to be no. He has said the door isn't closed, but I think he might be getting ready to latch it. I don't want to hear that "No." I mean, you can't force someone to have another child with you. Not if you want to stay married to that person, which I very much do. He is my love. Period. So that "No," would be one that I would have to accept and live with, and friends, I am very, very bad at not getting what I want. I suck at it, in fact. Can't I have this life lesson given to me on some other coveted thing, like, I don't know, a trip, or a car (as if I cared about cars,) instead of this thing I so deeply want? Probably not.

I hate life lessons. They so often hurt.

Texas and Geography (with a capital G)

2010-04-28T14:34:00.001-07:00

So we went to Texas for April vacation. Mom and Polly have a house in Port O'Connor and I haven't been for 5 years. Only Kai has ever been there, which is shameful. The kids had a wonderful time fishing, wading waaaaaaay out in Matagordo Bay (which is 13 feet deep at it's deepest point), visiting with the Texas family, riding bikes and generally enjoying the warm humid weather. Below are some pictures...

So, that was fun.

My darling sister chose to visit family in France during this holiday, which at first made me jealous because I love France like I love, well, LIFE. However, there was a wee volcanic eruption that week and her travel plans got a teensy bit messed up. It took her 4 days to get to the South of France.....from Rome. Italy. As in, right next door. They got from the States to Rome fine, but then it all unravelled. Obviously the trains were all very crowded, but that wasn't helped by the fact that the regional trains in France, and this should surprise NO ONE who has spent any time there, were on, you guessed it, STRIKE! Yes, the strike, that most beloved of French pastimes. When I was living ion Paris there was one every week, from air traffic controllers to nurses to the metro drivers (that one was a bit of a bummer but I was 18 and able bodied so I wasn't too affected.)

Anyway, My sister and nephew had a ridiculous journey in which they were offered a flight to Marseilles via Algeria. And how was she supposed to get to Algeria? By boat? Thanks, but we'll try a different route, like maybe over the Alps by elephant! They wound up sneaking onto the TGV and sharing a compartment with some ladies of a certain age who also snuck on. The conductor didn't check tickets, I think they were probably feeling bad for people at that point. Anyway, they got to our relatives' safely, but there was still the pesky question of how to get home.

When they were trying to rebook those flights, along with tens of thousands of other people, the guy at American Express told her he could get her on a plane out of Glasgow. Silence. "But we're in the south of France." To which he replies, "Can't you just take a train to Glasgow?" Really? REALLY??

OK, I am about to make disparaging remarks about Americans and their willful lack of knowledge of geography. Prepare yourselves. What the hell is going on here? It seems to me that I have been confronted by this kind of idiocy far more frequently than I ought to be. I love Americans. We are generally a very warm, open and cheerful lot. We have, as a people, an excellent sense of humor and tend to abide by the rules of fair play and decency. (Please note that I am talking about the American PEOPLE, not the government. Most emphatically not the government. Even with my guy in the White House.) However, there seems to almost be a kind of pride people take in their own cluelessness, as if it were cool to be ignorant. Please believe me, IT IS NOT COOL! (Neither is typing in caps, but I can't help it tonight.)

Case in point. The Burlington Airport at, like, 4am. Zach and I and our THREE small children ages 6, 5 and almost 2 have been bumped from the first flight that is to get us to the Bahamas. They let us go all the way through security before they let us know that, even though the bitch, I mean woman, at the check in counter was the one who bumped us. Anyway. I am standing there trying to get us on some flight to anywhere that can get us to Nassau so we can catch the little plane to the Out Islands. She tells us we can leave in two days or (and she says this with a completely straight face,) "you can drive to Charlotte and catch your connection to Nassau there." I stare at her for a minute. She repeats it. "Charlotte, North Carolina?" I say with an emphasis that I hope conveys the distance we are talking about. She says yes, that is the one and that none of the flights out of there are full. I say "Yes, they may not be full, but they are also leaving out of North Carolina!" Again, please note the emphasis because I assure you, she did not. She finally looks at me and says "What? Is that far?" I blink. "About 18 hours." At which point she says, "Well jeez, I don't know where Charlotte is." At which point I had to pretend that there was something very exciting happening in my carry-on.

She worked at an AIRLINE. One whose hub was in the very airport we were talking about.

People, get maps, hang them on walls. Study them. Bathrooms make excellent places for maps and atlases. I mean, who doesn't want a little reading material in the WC.

I get that there will be places that people don't know about. I didn't expect everyone I told about Noah's adoption to know where Kyrgyzstan is (although given the sheer number of military service men and women who have gone through there over the last 8 years, you would think more people would,) but to not understand that Glasgow, Scotland cannot be reached from Uzes, France in less than 24 hours without involving air travel is frankly a bit pathetic. Especially if you are a TRAVEL AGENT!!! And don't get me started on little miss sunshine who was oddly proud of not knowing that North Carolina and Vermont aren't really convenient driving distance apart.

There's more. When living in New Mexico, I was asked what it was like to be from Canada. I had to explain that Vermont was indeed a state. One of the early ones too! When I first applied to school in Santa Fe, someone in Vermont asked me why I wanted to study out of the country. People PLEASE! I don't have time for this kind of crap. I have definite weak points in knowledge of things too, I get it, you can't know everything, but come ON.

OK, rant over. I am just going to start buying atlases and handing them out randomly to people who look lost or say stupid shit from now on. Maybe Mapquest is to blame for this. Maybe people have just gotten lazy. Whatever, it's a damn, and annoying, shame.

I have an opinion

2010-04-25T10:03:00.001-07:00

I thought that title would amuse those of you who know me. I'll give you a moment to pick yourselves up off the floor. All better? Good.

I've been thinking a lot about the woman, Torry Hansen, who sent the little boy Artyem Saviliev, back to Russia with, basically, a note pinned to his coat.

The first thing I thought when I read this was, "Did she think she had adopted Paddington Bear?" You know, the story of the stuffed bear who is found at Victoria Station with a note pinned to him asking someone to look after him. He had come from "darkest Peru."

Here's the thing, I have absolutely no doubt that this child was hard, maybe even impossible for her to parent. I am sure there were rages and tantrums and violence and tears the likes of which she had never conceived of. I have heard stories of parents waking up in the night, their child standing in their bedroom door staring at them with pure hatred on his face. I have heard of manipulations, lies told to social workers to get parents in trouble, threats to burn down houses with younger siblings inside. This stuff is real. Maybe it happened to her, I don't know. I still think she is an ass.

Here's another thing: I have no doubt that the orphanage misled her about his mental state and the health. When I read that part of her letter I thought, "Well, DUH!" Of course they lied. They have a lot of reasons to cover that stuff up but also, they probably didn't know the kid that well. That is one of the major issues with orphanages. There are too many kids, not enough caretakers and the ones who are there are exhausted, jaded and often, frankly, over it. How would they know what this kid is really like? They have 20 others to take care of. That doesn't exactly leave a lot of time to get into a meaningful relationship with a child. They probably lied to her and simply didn't know what else to tell her about him. Get him out, one fewer kid to take care of, hopefully he has a wonderful life and gets everything he ever dreamed of. Dasvidanya. Because I do believe they genuinely WANT these kids to go to good homes, they just can't provide one themselves. (Spare me the e-mails about how they are doing the best they can with what they have. Maybe they are and maybe they are not. I know of quite a few baby-house directors on the take. The point is, even the best orphanage is not a home, they cannot provide what a home can provide.)

Hansen's adoption agency WACAP, who, for the record, have an excellent reputation, said they followed up with her shortly after she returned home and she was so thrilled with Artyem she wanted to start the process immediately for number 2. Ah, the honeymoon phase. This can last anywhere from 1 week to several months or longer. It's fabulous, usually followed up by Post Adoption Depression on the parents' part, (an actual diagnosis, just ask Melissa Faye Greene, or my shrink,) and rage, depression or a lovely combo of the two on the child's part. Even my kids exhibited this to some degree and they had fairly seamless transitions. With babies and toddlers this rage and grief will manifest itself as tantrums that are often mislabeled "teething" or "colic" or "terrible two's." Try "I-don't know who the hell you people are and my whole life was changed without my consent and your food is weird and you smell bad!" For older kids, the reactions can be, obviously, more intense.

Anyway, when supermom #99 there asked for another child, WACAP, wisely, told her that she should just focus on the child she has for now. She had only just got home. Jesus lady, chill! (OK I'm editorializing, but they did tell her to wait.) She turned to another agency and is currently in process for the Republic of Georgia, although one fervently hopes her agency has since cut her loose. Like I said, she was in the honeymoon phase. Think about how you behave when you are first in a romantic relationship. You are on your best behavior. You chew with your mouth closed, you don't fart in front of your potential love, you always let them have the last piece of cake. And these are people you just want to sleep with, not spend a lifetime with, first wiping their butts and then paying for their every whim from piano lessons to circus camp. When my father was splitting from one of his long series of partners he told my sister that she had changed. "She used to make the bed, for crying out loud." To which my sister rolled her eyes and said "Daaaad! Everybody makes the bed in the beginning." Translate that behavior to a kid who has never been in a relationship of any kind, and duh, there are going to be issues, possibly big ones. I'll bet the mom was on her best behavior too. You know, being super mom, trying to be the kind of mom walking around in soft, rosy light the likes of which one sees on a Lifetime movie about adoption. The kind of light they always give Annette Benning in romantic comedies. Happy Ending light. Which brings me to who I blame for all of this.

I blame all of us. Every single one of us who has said, or even thought, this romantic crap about "love being enough." It's not. It simply is not enough. Not when you are talking about children who have lived through God knows what horrors. Not when there may have been alcohol abuse starting in-utero, neglect from birth and not enough food at every point from the child's first breath. It drives me CRAZY when people talk about "love at first sight." I am so sick of TV movies and for that fact even movies like the Blindside that depict what are for the majority of the world, unrealistic adoption scenarios. The Blindside was a real story, yes, but those stories are the exception, not the rule, and while they are absolutely to be celebrated, Americans have a way of going "awwwwwww" and reaching for the phone to call their local adoption agency, armed with no more information than, "I want to rescue someone too!"

Listen, I thought I felt love when I first saw Kai's picture on my e-mail, but if I'm honest, really honest, it was hormones mixed with impatience to be a mom, topped off with a healthy dose of greed. I wanted THAT baby. I couldn't believe someone would give me such a beautiful child, and let's face it, babies are easy to feel gaga about. They have to be, they are so much work that some days it is their cuteness alone that keeps them from going in the stockpot. The love came later. It helped that I was wildly attracted to this child, that he had a sunny, sweet and open nature, all of which sped the process along. But I believe love comes from sharing experiences. Feeling protective and wanting to care for someone is not the same thing as loving them. I was more honest with the next two kids. I saw Grace and thought "Cute, looks healthy enough and I know that my capacity to love includes people I have never met with snot running out of their noses. I WILL fall in love with this person if we have enough time together. Sign me up." Zach, who loved Kai very quickly, was like "Sure, whatever, it's a baby, let's go." BUT, it took him a long time to feel it with Grace. We had quite a lot of talks about it, and one of the things I love about him is that he was honest and open and admitted he didn't love her yet, even months after we came home. She, frankly, didn't think that highly of him either, which could explain it. It's hard to love someone who doesn't love you back, unless you are a masochist. So I suggested he "act as if" he were in love with her the way he was with Kai, and I swear to God, she started opening up to him within days. That was it, they were off to the races and now she is a total, and I mean TOTAL daddy's girl. God help me. When Noah's picture popped up, Zach said, without skipping a beat "There he is!" I kept looking at the picture thinking "there WHO is?" He looked like an undercooked worm with white drool coming out of his mouth. He was about 3.5lbs in the picture (he was 6 weeks premature) and 2 weeks old. But we had both learned that you don't have to feel anything looking at a picture. We just needed to arm ourselves with resources, information, and go over and meet the child.

I find it hard to believe that tTorry and Artyem ever had the chance to fall in love. When would that have happened? She didn't even give it 6 months, and the trouble clearly started before that milestone. Why, oh WHY didn't she ask for help? Did she think she had failed because she didn't love this kid? Because she probably downright hated him at times? Did she think she was a horrible person because she couldn't be the balm to his wounds? Wounds that may have been so deep they make the Mariana Trench look like a pothole?Was she horrified to find herself afraid of a 7 year old? She's not alone in feeling like that about a kid. Other parents have been there.

I have a sort relative (she's married to my mom's partner's nephew...you know what? My family tree is a whole other post.) Anyway, these are the nicest people you could EVER meet (and this story is a mild one of bonding issues, not Reactive Attachment Disorder, but still interesting.) They had a son, had trouble getting pregnant, decided to adopt and on the way to Russia, she found out she was pregnant. Her husband went to pick up the little girl and she attached herself to him first. In fact, mother and daughter were SO not getting along that mother asked father if they could return the girl. To which father gently said, "Dear, we are not returning our daughter, just like we are not returning our sons." And mother went to cry in the corner. My cousin (I'm calling her that, it's easier) is so funny and open and honest about this and when she gets to the part of when she knew that the girl was hers, there is not a dry eye anywhere. How the girl had hurt herself and they were in the ER and she heard the girl down the hall crying for mama and how she sprinted down the hall to kill whoever was causing her daughter pain. It was her "aha" moment. They have an incredibly close and open relationship. The girl is amazing, the parents are awesome, if my kids turn out half as nice as theirs (they have 3 boys in addition to the girl), I will consider myself a success as a parent.

My point is, these are the kinds of people who would have been delighted to talk to a parent who was suffering from a lack of bond with a child, who would have encouraged her to seek help for his Reactive Attachment Disorder (if that's what he had), who would have been a kind, listening presence. But she turned to no one, except her mother, the one who actually put the child on the plane.

It just KILLS me because Hansen lives a few hours from one of the best Pediatric Adoption clinics in the country. WACAP could have helped her find all the counselling available in Tennessee. She could have been put in touch with countless other families who have shared her pain, are still living with it, or are through to the other side. And if it still didn't work out, they could have helped her find the boy another family. Because adoption disruption is a part of life. One that NOBODY wants to talk about because the rest of us are all too busy screaming "LOVE CONQUERS ALL!" from the mountain tops, meanwhile totally ignoring people, both child and adult, who are truly suffering because they have learned the hard way that sometimes it simply does not.

So, basically, I do not blame this woman for not being able to do it. I know too many really good people who can not parent certain children. What I blame her for is abandoning the child in a seriously heartless way, without having tried ANYTHING else first. And I blame her for not arming herself with information before she went into the adoption. For not having resources lined up to help the child. For going into this without being AT ALL prepared. And lastly, I blame the media and all of us for promoting the myth of love fixing everything. It works well on the silver screen, but they have an editing room, they get to edit out the pain. The rest of us, not so much.

New computer

2010-04-12T14:36:00.000-07:00

So shortly after I last posted, our PC died. We, finally, went out yesterday and bought an iMac and dear GOD this thing is a piece of awesome machinery. So quiet, so slick, so chic. So freaking HUGE! A 27 inch screen, people.

So now I will be able to upload pictures and write again. Fortunately, oh so fortunately, when the other one died, we didn't lose any information off the hard-drive. The motherboard died, but did not take our pictures and other work with it.

So bear with me, I will be back. Especially as I now have such a fun toy to write with.

2010-03-28T13:19:00.000-07:00

Hello again! Here is a very brief synopsis of our last few months. We had Halloween with the most beautiful peacock ever. After which we all promptly got Swine Flu. Wish I was kidding. Noah spiked a fever of 105.5. Good times.

Then the peacock turned 5!

Then we had Christmas. First celebrating at grandma's....

By the way, don't attempt this game with a glass of wine. It's not pretty. I'm just sayin'.

Then Christmas morning at our house at our house at some ungodly hour I don't want to think about. Notice, no pictures of me or Zach.

This is the expression of an overwhelmed boy. He didn't even get that much, just a few well chosen things. He was psyched.

Noah digs his new scooter!

At some point in here Kai turned 6 and we had a huge skating party at our ice rink in town, but I can't find those pictures. I'll keep looking. He is all about hockey. Also they have been skiing a ton and both kids live for the terrain park. Just my luck to have 3 little dare devils. Grace is an amazing gymnast and I have visions of coaches circling in and trying to nab her. Just say "no" to sparkly leotards! But she seems to love it. I think she should get into acrobatics and go to circus camp. I mean she is being raised in a circus, or a monkey house. This place is nuts for sure.

We had lots of play dates, many of which involved princesses jumping off windowsills. Yes, I let my kids, and other people's kids, jump off our window sills. I can only say "no" so many times in the day, and this is just not something I have deep-seated concerns about. Call child services on me.

We got THE. MOST. AWESOME. NEW. DOG. EVER!!! This was his first morning with us which is why he still looks unsure. He is amazing and gorgeous and a tribute to rescues everywhere. More about him and pictures later.

We went to the Bahamas. Don't be fooled by the pics, it wasn't as warm as it looks. Remember when it snowed in Florida? Yeah, that's when we were in the Bahamas, which are due east of the sunshine state. So it was 15 degrees colder than normal. Not really great for a beach vacation, but the kids didn't care.

And then in March, Noah turned 2. Enough with the getting older already!

That's it for now. Noah will be ignored no longer. More soon.....

Coming back soon!

2010-03-19T08:14:00.000-07:00

The need to write is upon me again, so there will be words here again soon. Maybe even by this afternoon or tomorrow! And pictures, of course.

First Day......

2009-08-27T05:20:00.000-07:00

Right from the beginning, we always thought we would home school our kids. Zach was home schooled for part of elementary school and he loved it. Our idea has always been that our kids would probably spend some of their school years with us, and some going to school. I had actually thought we would have them stay home for elementary school and then revisit our options as they got older, and Kai had always been adamant that he wanted to stay home. And then we went to France, and, as much fun as he had there, he missed his friends and expressed a deep desire to go to Kindergarten. And really, who are we to deprive him of the magic of Kindergarten? I still remember so much from my year with Mrs. Soper, a woman so wonderful that all other teachers are judged by her glory. In fact, to this day she still remembers her students' names and many details of their lives, and whenever I run into her at the farmers market or the store I act like my 5 year-old self and throw myself into her arms for one of her fabulous hugs. She insists I call her by her first name, but I CAN NOT DO IT. She will always be Mrs. Soper to me.

Yesterday was Kai's first day of Kindergarten. He was nervous and excited and both of those emotions have been the talk of the house for the last week as we have been helping him process this important transition. Hilda went into his room yesterday morning as he was making his bed and overheard him quietly practicing saying his teacher's name.

"Excuse me, Mrs. Hammett?" and "Mrs. Hammett, I have a question."

This child will brake your heart with his absolute sweetness.

Our town has 1/2 day Kindergarten, and Kai has the afternoon session, so we went out to breakfast and to the store and in the process ran into half the town coming back from dropping off their morning session kids or their 1st graders. There was lots of talk of tears (mostly on the parents' side) and a few traumatic drop-offs for new 1st graders going to full day school for the first time. But also lots of stories of kids who were excited and giddy and brave and held it together even as their parents started to lose it.

We had breakfast and ran a few errands and went home. Kai played with Lego's and had a snack and I packed his lunchbox and water-bottle and put it all in his back-pack. He changed into clean clothes and brushed his hair and all of a sudden it was time to take my oldest child to school.

He put on his back-pack and said a loving good-bye to his sister and brother.

And it was time to go.

We were the first ones there, and Mrs. Hammett greeted him happily. He learned where to hang up his his back-pack and where to put his lunch. He inspected the class room and asked lots of questions. Then the next 2 kids arrived and Mrs. Hammett asked him if he could show them where they could put their things, so of course he felt very important and proud to do that. Then he and the kids started playing while the teacher went over paperwork and schedules with the parents and suddenly it was time for me to go.

I asked him if it was OK for me to go and he just gave me a big hug and said "Yup. Bye Mom, I love you."

So I left.

And went home where Grace was having a play date with her friend Anna, and her mom and I made a tea party for lunch. We cut the sandwiches into flower shapes and broke out my great-grandmothers china and had "tea with the queen."

With polite conversation, of course, and a study of exactly how to hold your pinkie when drinking a cup of tea.

Noah was practicing his words and has finally learned to say "Hil..DA!"

A feat that amuses him to no end.

And then it was time for me to go pick up Kai. I parked across the street from the school, and he saw me walking over the green and yelled a cheery "Hi mom!" Then he talked as fast as humanly possible for the 5 minute drive home. When we pulled into the driveway and he was getting out of the car he said "MOM! That was SO good. I wanna go, like a BILLION more times!"

Yeah, it worked out just fine.

2009-08-20T14:45:00.000-07:00

I love picking blueberries. There is something so soothing about sitting in a high-bush berry grove, hidden from view and filling my basket to brimming. I love listening to the kids as they wander in and out of the bushes, picking, eating and chasing dragon-flies. I love the way the dog uses her lips to gently pick off the ripest and fattest berries, without ever seeming to accidentally pick a green one. I love chatting with my mom and sister as we pick from the same bushes we have harvested for the last 20 years. I have used the same container for years. A metal basket that I think was once part of a vegetable steamer and that, when filled, holds the exact amount I need to make 10 jars of jam.

I have never once bought already picked berries for jam. For me, the process would be the less for skipping that first step. Earlier this summer, I saw a couple unloading their hand-made, wooden touring kayaks off their car. Kayaking, be it white-water, sea, or touring is always fun, but I bet there is an extra element to the sport when the craft you are paddling was made by your own hands. The same goes for preserves; they are always tasty, but there is something extra in the flavour when they are the product of your own labor.

When I was in my early 20's, I used canning as a way to avoid studying. Zach and I were living in my childhood home (now home to my sister's family) with our great friends Mark and Kipp at that time and Mark is an incredible bread baker. I have the best memories of the four of us standing around the chopping block in the kitchen and pouncing on the loaves as they came out of the oven, trying not to burn our fingers as we slathered butter and blueberry jam all over them. It was very liberating for me to live with two immensely cool people who were smart, accomplished and who took huge pride in the fact that they had mastered many domestic arts that many people deem "quaint" or "old-fashioned". Kipp is a great sewer and knitter and maker of all kinds of fabulous things (as well as being a Yale trained nurse-midwife), while Mark, well there isn't much Mark can't do. He seems to be gifted and motivated in all areas of life from building hilarious winter sporting equipment (I'll tell you about the "Jack-Jumper" another time) to baking, to building saunas, cider presses and having a mean green-thumb. Their offspring have out-standing genes.

Zach comes from a family of ridiculously smart, talented people who put an emphasis on hand and homemade in their lives. Zach's mother has two Master's degrees, is a teacher and writer and also spins, knits, quilts, cans, and makes all her food from scratch as a matter of course. She does it because she LOVES it, not because of some feminine ideal she feels she needs to live up to. I love the fact that she is a truly domestic woman, who is also a terrible house-keeper. I can SO relate to that. Zach sister is a violist with the NY Philharmonic and yet she gets as much respect for that as she does for the fact that the woman can BAKE (with a capital B.) as well as sew beautifully. Growing up in that household brimming with creative people, Zach has always loved and appreciated my domestic bent in a way that is genuine and not in the least patronizing. He was raised in a family where the domestic arts are equal to all the arts, literature, music, politics etc.

I came from a family of talented academics and artists as well, but of a different kind of art. Classical musicians and people high up in the New York art scene. They hang out with, what my mom amusingly dubs, "the greats and the near-greats." My mother has always had a deep appreciation for what Jane Brockett calls "the gentle arts" but she was never much of a practitioner. While she is a fabulous cook and gardener, and homemade food was the norm for me, she was not a knitter, quilter, or fiber artist. She didn't can things (probably because we ate everything before it could be preserved, her food is that good,) and yet lately I have noticed jars of ruby-red crab-apple jelly and rich black-currant syrup showing up on her counter. She has a natural gift and a great palate. I think I have converted her to the ways of the jar. My sister, oh my talented sister whose gifts are too many to mention, she and her husband make mead. Do you know about mead? It's a liquor made from honey. They make all kinds of flavors but my favorite is the blueberry made with Vermont honey and blueberries picked 100 yards from their kitchen.

For me, canning has been something of a passion for many years. When Zach and I got married , I made little jars of blueberry jam, blackberry jam, apple butter and peach butter as favors for the guests (all 195 of them.) It was a 3 season labor of love, and one which I so enjoyed. We had a 14 month engagement and taking the time to capture the flavors of the seasons was a really special way to prepare. One of my bridesmaids caught people hoarding them in their jackets as the left at 4am. They needn't have bothered. I made enough for everyone to take 2.

Blueberry jam takes no time at all, and I am emphatically haphazard about my recipe. I never follow the suggested proportions (I think they call for too much sugar) and almost always use double or more the amount of blueberries. It's yummy.

It is the colors I love the most when I am preserving. These fruits take on hues that you wouldn't notice unless you took the time to work with them. I particularly like the hot fuchsia shade of the foam that I have to scrape off. That color would be tacky anywhere else, but in nature or when it comes from a natural source, it is stunning.

The kids get such a kick out of eating something in the dead of winter that they helped to make, from start to finish, on one of the hottest days of the summer. I hope it becomes a happy memory for them in life, like the way my mom made Christmas cookies with us, or my grandpa read the Declaration of Independence every 4th of July.

The pantry is full of the bounty of summer, some of it gifts, some made by us. It seems like a lot now, but I promise you, come February, each bite will taste like sunshine and help keep us going until the spring peepers come out and the robins return. The only problem is making sure we have enough to get us through. These first 10 jars won't even get us to Thanksgiving.

The day we picked the berries, we were driving home from my sister's when all of a sudden the kids started yelling for me to pull over. I slammed on the brakes (with no one behind, thank God) and for a minute we all stared. They had never seen the sun quite this color. It was almost as if it was celebrating summer too.

Conversation at my kitchen table....

2009-08-19T16:41:00.000-07:00

Three little girls are sitting around the table this afternoon, beading necklaces. Jillian holds hers up and says,

"This one is gonna be for my mommy!"

Grace holds hers up and says,

"This one is gonna be for Ellie!"

Six year old Ellie holds hers up and says,

"This one is gonna be for sale."

Celebrating!

2009-08-16T06:38:00.000-07:00

Ooohhh, look what came in the mail. It looks deceptively like a big pile of fabric, but really, it's new table linens. I just need to actually cut and sew them into their new shape. Aren't they pretty? I mean who wouldn't want to wipe their mouth with a napkin with a spider web on it or a little purple pig surrounded by dots? I am currently a tad obsessed with Japanese fabrics, especially Echino. I think my family is hoping it will pass.

Speaking of making things, we had reason to celebrate yesterday. It was Daddy's 36th birthday and the kids and I got busy. We sent the birthday boy off to get a massage and went to work. The kids created a birthday banner. All I did was write the words, the pictures were all theirs.

I stole the idea of birthday garland from Amanda Soule's beautiful book The Creative Family. I had plenty of leftover fabric from other projects and just spent a few evenings cutting and sewing them into little flags. Then it took about 15 minutes to sew them onto strips of double folded bias tape. Now we have festive garland for all our parties. Cheap, easy, beautiful and reusable.

The garden has been on overdrive so Grace helped me cut a beautiful bouquet.

Then we strung the garland and I took a bunch of bad, back-lit pictures of it.

And when Zach came home we went swimming in the pond first because DAMN, summer has arrived with a beautiful vengeance, and then came in to eat the delicious cake the kids helped bake. Seriously, do you bake with your kids? 'Cause if not, you should. Everything I make with them comes out better. Maybe it's the enthusiasm with which they mix and stir, I don't know, but they have magic in those little hands. When we are feeling seriously hassled and the day isn't going well, we usually haul out the mixer and get baking. It calms everybody down. Counter intuitive, yes, but effective.

It has been hot here, which is fabulous, and we have spent most of our time in the water, but we try to spend a part of the afternoon being quiet. When it is this hot that usually means playing quietly inside to get out of the sun for a bit. Kai usually goes and builds with his Lego sets, Grace likes to go around and take pictures with her camera (yesterday she did a whole study of my toes) and Noah likes to roll around on his sheepskin rug. This usually lasts for 30-45 minutes and then the kids tend to gravitate toward each other again. A wrestling match usually starts, but instead of dissolving into tears, they are rejuvenated from their quiet play and the wrestling involves lots of hugs and sitting on each other.

It's good to remember and document these sweet moments because, at this very moment, they are trying to make me prematurely gray. The fighting, dear Jesus, the fighting! And then the laughing and giggling, followed by more fighting. It must be exhausting to be on such an emotional roller-coaster ALL THE TIME. I'm tired just listening to it. Zach is going away for a week for work so they are extra psycho right now. We are not used to being apart as a family and the kids hate the separation. I'm thinking of taking them camping tonight to distract them. S'mores and shooting stars can't replace daddy being gone, but they can certainly take a person's mind off it.

Summer.......

2009-08-12T05:37:00.000-07:00

We have been spending a lot of time by our pond and Grandma's pond. We play with Violet, we garden, cook, craft, hike, eat lots and lots of ice cream, go for rides in Grandma's Toro and generally try to soak up every last ray of sunshine this soggy summer has had to offer.

The early morning light right as the sun peaks over the mountains is so inviting. Grace, Daddy and Hilda are still sleeping so mama and her boys go out to explore and play in the dirt.

We went to the Jersey Shore at the end of July to meet up with my dad, who had a rare week's vacation. He had his young daughter Isabel with him who is sitting behind Grace in the picture below. We LOVED Asbury Park. It was a wonderful week.

Oh yeah, and you may have noticed that Noah has learned to walk. Below is a picture from June the moment he first put more than 2 steps together. Magic!

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

2009-08-09T16:10:00.000-07:00

Howdy all. I am so sorry for the sdilence. We had no internet in France, and then I got out of the habit of being online and kind of liked it. But I am back, full of inspiration and tons of things to share. But first, here is a random sampling of pics from France in no particular order. Further posts will give you a glimpse into our summer and from then on, the flavor of this blog will change a bit to reflect more of my creative life and what we do here every day at the Dumpling Hotel. But first: La Belle France!

J'aime bien ma famille.

2009-04-15T05:54:00.000-07:00

We are here in Provence in the most beautiful house surrounded by vineyards and olive groves. We have a view of les Alpilles and it's a mere 10 minute stroll into St. Remy de Provence.

The first week has flown by and the internet connection is scetchy, so I'm not sure about pics, but will try later. Not to mention the wonky french keyboard. The weather is great though. Windy today, but great.

Trying to get it all done

2009-04-05T06:57:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been quiet. I am trying to get everything we need done finished in time to get on the plane to France. We leave Wednesday and will be there 32 days, which means we need to make sure bills are paid and the animals are all set etc. before we go. Fortunately, packing for a month is the same as packing for a week because you can just do laundry, so our bags shouldn't be too big.

We are very excited. We get to see family and feel the sun on our skin after a long winter. Yay!
I will be blogging from France so pictures will resume soon.

Miss Understood

2009-03-26T08:32:00.000-07:00

So far the tally of headlines which I have completely misread is at 5 for the morning. My favorite so far is a 2 part one from MSNBC:

Miss. tornado wreaks 'widespread damage.'

I, of course, read that as some pissed off beauty queen opening up a can of whoop-ass on some unsuspecting trailer park. I stared at it, figured it out and scrolled down a little to read:

Miss twister injures 17, destroys homes. (Holy crap, these girls are beating the shit out of each other! )

Yes, I managed to misread two headlines about the same thing in about 15 seconds. I am a moron.

Here is one I wish I had misread:

Vacuum sex act draws 90-day sentence. Seriously???? Why for the love of God, whhhyyyyyy?

And in one more display of why I don't read the news on NPR, I read the headline "Hedge fund's ponder Obama's carrot, fear stick." as:

Hedgehog ponders Obama's carrot-stick.

I'm going to go take a nap.

Breaking dumpling news!

2009-03-25T07:32:00.000-07:00

OK, quick update. Noah is walking!!! Albeit only while pushing his little wagon, but he is doing that all on his own. Grace follows right behind him cheering and ready to catch him if he falls, which he does frequently as he giggles with glee to the point of collapse.

AND, Kai is now a yellow-belt in karate. He got up in front of everybody in the class by himself (he was the only one testing that day) and went through the punches and kicks and got his yellow belt. It was a last minute thing, the instructor told us he was ready and they could do it right then if he wanted to. He is the youngest by a few years in that group and I am just so proud of how brave he is. He feels pretty damn good about himself I can tell you. It was an awesome moment.

Pictures to follow. The stomach flu is back in Noah and, well, I just don't have anything nice to say about that!

The difference between boys and girls.

2009-03-21T06:48:00.001-07:00

Both my kids love to cook, bake, do crafts, garden, ride horses, ski, in short, they love all the same things things I love to do. The difference between their enjoyment comes in what they deem as the necessary accessories for success in any one of these activities.

Grace tends to want to do everything swathed in pink, carrying extra bags full of changes of clothes, dolls and jewels. So, she can frequently be seen riding her pony hell-bent for leather with princess attire flapping in the breeze.

Kai likes to do everything armed to the teeth, which means he can frequently be found baking cakes with a gun on his hips, or playing with the baby by giving Noah swords to hold in an effort to get a jump on his swashbuckling skills.

So, the other day I started a new knitting project and both kids decided they wanted to learn too, so I searched out some nice thick wool in festive colors, found some fat needles and cast on for each of them. Grace, not surprisingly, is making a blanket for one of her "babies." Kai is making a blanket for his new cap gun (an exact replica of the rifle "Pa" used in Little House on the Prairie, which he is completely loving.)

Yes, my 5 year old boy is knitting a gun cozy.

I love parenting!

Aaaahhhhhh. Fresh air.

2009-03-15T18:55:00.000-07:00

Oh. My. God. That was a long stretch of sickness and weirdness and funk! But it's over and the sun is out and the weather has been glorious.

We got out today for a little cross country skiing. Unfortunately my camera battery died half-way through the outing, but I got a few good ones.

Two of my beautiful men getting ready.

My little pink ski princess. Jesus, that's a lot of pink. That girl loves her some pink.

Look at how white we are. It's like we just emerged from a cave. Very attractive.

He even makes falling look GOOD.

Minutes before pegging her grandmother in the ass with a snowball. She's not as innocent as she looks.

Makin' tracks.

Beautiful grandma, beautiful day.

Going downhill on cross country skis is so much more unsteady than on downhill skis therefore the shrieks of glee must be louder. It helps the balance, don'tcha know.

It's good that spring is on it's way. I need to air out my house, air out my head and dust in the corners of my mind. I am stuck on where I am going in my life and in our family's life. So many different scenarios are going through my head. Kai heads off to kindergarten next year, and I hate it. I would home-school in a minute, and it is a possibility, but I think he should at least go to kindergarten to see how he feels about it.

I am having a hard time moving past the baby phase. For some people, they know when they are done having kids and they are relieved to move on. But I am definitely grieving the end of this phase in my life.

I think we are done having babies, and although I have always wanted a fourth, it just doesn't feel like it's in the cards for us. I am having a hard time knowing that there will not be another baby to look forward to in our family's future. I have never had that before. We knew we were having each one of our kids, they were all so definitely planned. (There is no such thing as an accidental adoption. Can you imagine? "Honey, I don't know how to tell you this, but I accidentally filed 47 different pieces of official documentation with the State and, well, it's a girl!") So now, I have to come to grips with ending that chapter in our lives. We have been so lucky, and raising the kids is so far beyond anything I could have dreamed of. But still, I am sad at this ending.

And then there is always the old "NOW what do I do with my life" thing. I mean, besides raising our kids, which frankly is more than enough, but my brain (I think it's still in my head, I hear something rattling around in there,) my brain could use a little training. Some calisthenics. A little yoga. Arguing about whether or not someone can wear their party shoes into the muddy driveway is not the mental exercise I am seeking.

I am actually incredibly fulfilled staying home with them. I know that is politically incorrect to say. I am supposed to "want it all," but I don't. I just want a small slice of a delicious life that is rich and filling. I don't want the whole cake, especially if it is some low-fat version of something I know should be great. But I do want to keep my brain nimble and possibly do something part-time or go back to school, or something I haven't even conceived of yet.

So, what should I do with my life? Seriously. Some of you know me pretty well. Any ideas? More babies? More school? Full time job? Part time? The hell with work? I am open to all suggestions. Just know that cubicles and fluorescent lighting are not a personal dream of mine.

And mom, you don't get to answer this one online because I KNOW you have thoughts on what I should do with my life. The comment section is only so big, however, so maybe you should just call me and tell me what I should do. And try not to be right so much of the time. It's very disheartening.

Sick, sick, sick

2009-03-11T16:24:00.000-07:00

Ugh, we have had the stomach flu, head-colds and now I think I have the Plague. Sorry about the hiatus.

Noah turned one March 4th and celebrated by vomiting most of the day. Kai, is totally impervious to illness, and Grace only got a cough, but Noah and I have been out with the funk.

So I'll be be back soon. And in a month, this blog will attain a certain je ne sais quoi, as we head to provence for 5 weeks. I'll blog a bit from there. Can't freaking wait. Mud season sucks. Except for the spring skiing. And the sugaring, but other than that, I am just about done with winter.

OK, I'm getting dizzy. Back later........

Bop!

2009-02-10T10:03:00.001-08:00

So, Noah has a word. One distinct word among the myriad sounds and vocalizations he makes. This word, this small word, gives him, and all who hear it, great pleasure. The word is "Bop."

He says it often, but with purpose, not randomly. And this got me thinking a bit about the nature of language and when it is that our minds and mouths learn to create these sounds. English was not my children's first language. In the baby-houses they heard mostly Russian and a bit of Kazakh and Kyrgyz, depending on who was caring for them. In swoop Zach and I chattering in a language that may as well have been Chimpanzee, and well, I think in retrospect I understand the confused looks on Grace's face in most of her early pictures a bit better.

See, no one knows exactly when the moment occurs that babies start understanding. It's a hell of a lot earlier than most people give them credit for. Noah is already signing a couple of words ("more" and "all done") at the appropriate times and it is much sooner than I would have expected had I not already been through this twice. So a change in language can actually confuse an infant, but of course, they are already so over stimulated by life on the outside that they quickly recover and assimilate the new sounds into their very busy brains. Kai loved sign language. Used it all the time and knew dozens and dozens of signs. Grace didn't have much use for it. She half-heartedly learned the signs for more and cookie (which eventually came to mean the same thing for her) and called it good. I think she figured, "That's good, I'm covered. What else could I possibly want?"

I was lying in bed last night, it was the dead of night and Noah was busy trying to rid me of all that pesky hair I have growing on my head, when suddenly he started speaking Bushman. (You know, the language that tribesman spoke in The Gods Must Be Crazy. Which, incidentally, is a movie that almost killed me when it first came out because of an unfortunate choking incident involving Jelly Belly's and uncontrollable laughter. I digress.) I kid you not, the kid was making those clicking sounds while he was babbling , and I thought, "Quick! Book the next flight to Botswana, this guy could be fluent in Bushman in a week." Like I said, it was very late at night.

But my point is, maybe we should expose him, and the other two as well, to languages that our adult tongues will NEVER be able to master. Languages like Mandarin, Russian, hell even English seems to stump a few of it's native speakers. I know this is nothing new. All the "experts" say that early exposure to language is the best, it's just that I only ever thought of that advice in terms of the western European languages I grew up around. But perhaps, in this changing world, I should be getting the kids into languages like Farsi and Arabic while their tongues are still nimble. Do you think there is a Muzzy DVD for Bushman?

For now, I leave you with this thought: Bop!

Fun with Noah!

2009-02-05T18:44:00.000-08:00

Just some pics of us hangin' with our favorite 27 lb Buddha Baby! More words later. Maybe even tomorrow.

A shout out to my man.

2009-01-31T06:56:00.001-08:00

Hoooo boy am I a happy mama these days! I mean, I am just in this blissful, if slightly exhausted, fog of love all the time. I love my kids, I love my husband, I don't love my messy house, but whatever, I would rather play with the aforementioned kids than clean it. I basically adore my life.

Zach and I are really trying to pay attention to everything and we are both just so damn grateful for all we have. And most especially for each other. As "Juno" said, "He is the cheese to my macaroni." Neither of us believe in "the one, " there are too many people in the world for there to be only one person you are compatible with, but that's actually what makes it more special to us, not less. We both know that, should we want, we would have other choices, but neither of us can imagine life without the other. We have been together for about 12 years (married for almost 8). We are not exactly sure of our anniversary date because, at the time, we thought we were just hooking up. Had we known this would last, we might have paid closer attention, but it is sometime around this time of year (end of January) that we first started seeing each other (read: snogging every chance we got.) Man, did we get lucky!

Here is a little info about gorgeous woodworker guy. He is funny as hell. He is extremely affectionate, which is something I can't live without. He is an amazing father. He thinks I'm beautiful all the time, but sometimes he stops dead in his tracks and makes a big deal of it on days when I think "Seriously? Dude, I have baby food stuck in my hair and I'm not entirely sure when my last shower was." Maybe he just knows I need to hear it on those days, but he gives a convincing performance of believing his own words.

I get migraines, really bad ones, and he is the best nurse. He brings me cold wash cloths, runs out in the dead of night for my shots and one time, when I was lying on the bathroom floor because I had just been sick (oh, the bathroom floor is so nice and cool) and I thought I might pass out from the pain, he sensed something was wrong, got up and just laid down next to me on the tile, arms around me and went back to sleep. Something about that simple gesture, 10 years into our life together, made me fall deeper into love with him.

He even saved my kidney once, when we were in the bush in New Zealand, but that's a long story.

He is really fun to travel with. I have to make all the arrangements, but he is up for anything. He doesn't really care where we go, as long as he gets to see something interesting. A few years ago, we were LITERALLY on the last leg of a trip to St. John, the ferry ride from St. Thomas, and he looks at me over the kids' heads and asks "So where exactly are we going?" I almost fell overboard laughing. Not really one for the particulars, that boy. And he loves to travel with my mom. The two of them are peas in a pod. He was the only one allowed to drive when we travelled around Ireland with her and Polly, and when we all went to Kazakhstan to adopt Grace, they decided the best way to beat the monotony of an adoption trip was VODKA! Preferably served in the scooped out carcass of a watermelon (add lemons, juice and the watermelon meat back in and of course, ice.) I thought I was back in high school. We go places with them all the time and Zach's easy nature is one of the reasons it works.

When the kids are sick he gets right in there. One time I was holding Gracie and she started to throw up. Zach cupped his hands into a little bowl and caught the vomit. I said "Honey, you could have let her throw up on the floor, " and he said "No, I wanted her to have something to throw up in." It was really, if disgustingly, sweet. Often I will wake up to an empty bed, and it's because he laid down to give the kids a good-night snuggle and never got up. He loves co-sleeping as much as I do, and if he had his way, I think we would have a 1 bedroom house with a HUGE master bedroom.

He is a beautiful guitar player, really amazing. And the instruments he makes (that's his job) are beloved by all who try them. Our house is filled with gorgeous pieces he makes, from the dining room table we eat all our meals at, to the bed side tables which holds my endless pile of books-to-be-read.

He is a good athlete, a lover of dogs and horses and other creatures. He loves politics and history and being aware of what is going on globally. He has a great head for names.

Mostly, I love the way he loves me and the kids. It is total and complete love. And any guy who grabs the soft little bulge that is the lower part of my belly and says "THAT is SO sexy!" is not someone I am kicking out of bed any time soon.

Happy anniversary baby. We may not know exactly when it is, but we do know exactly what we have.

Busy, busy, busy!

2009-01-26T04:44:00.000-08:00

Oh, what a week! First, the inauguration. We watched, I cried, we went out that night to celebrate with friends. And yes, my mom and Polly DID manage to get to their spot. I called them around 7:30am after hearing that the trains and buses and even the very sidewalks of D.C. were jam packed. (As in jammed with people, not filled with jam, although that would be tasty! Anyone know how to write that statement out correctly? 'Cause clearly I don't.) They were putting on layers and heading out. I talked to them a couple of hours later and they were still trying to get to their seats. I heard mom on a call-in interview with a local radio station, but the phone kept cutting out so it was unclear if they were going to get to their seats. Then I heard about all the people who didn't get anywhere NEAR their ticketed area and I figured "Oh well, they won't get to use their tickets but at least she is among the throng and with her peeps."

Oh, I had little faith.

This is Molly and Polly we are talking about. (Oh, you didn't realize their names rhymed? Yeah, and they wear the same shoe size too. And yes, they have been to Bali together so the whole Molly and Polly go to...... you get the point. They are adorable.) So anyway, they, being who they are, of course made friends with two marines who then took it upon themselves to become their personal marines and escorted them all the way to their section (the FRONT of their section to be exact) where my 65 year old mother proceeded to climb a handy lamp-post and watch the whole thing from several feet off the ground. (Hello lamp-post, whatcha knowin? I've come to watch your flowers growin'.) They said it was thrilling. Quite the birthday for my mom.

OK, cuteness overload ahead. I suggest drinking something bitter to cut the sugary sweetness of the following pictures.

These children are ridiculous. It's like they act that cute on purpose, pretty much all the time.

Hockey on the tennis court our town obligingly floods for the winter. Sometimes they plow it for us, but not that day, so we were out there with shovels and brooms. The kids love it.

Zach got Grace pink hockey socks and pink tape for her stick because even though she is a bad-ass, she is still his little frosted princess. That is a whole lot 'o pink happening right there, I tell you what!

And who says you can't surf in the winter.

Awwwww, daaaaaaadddddy.

The ice version of "crack the whip."

So skating, skiing, karate, dance, piano, chapter books (Narnia and the Little House books!!) and we are busy and having fun.

Gotta go, but I'll be back with more later

Obsessed

2009-01-16T05:07:00.000-08:00

I get completely obsessed with certain news stories. Usually, there is some horrific tragedy involved, but for once, I am totally absorbed with a story of people behaving well. This has been amazing. The thing that has made me feel so good about it is, of course, that everyone survived, but also that everyone remained calm and relatively dignified during the evacuation. See, I was beginning to lose hope that people think of anybody but themselves ever since a bunch of Wal-mart shoppers crushed a man to death and left him there in their hurry to shop. The world is filled with good people, I know that, but the news can get a bit debilitating day after day. So the happy stories are something I cling to.

And of course the other story I am completely obsessed with is the inauguration. I am absolutely beside myself with excitement. Did I tell you guys that I won tickets to go? I put my name into the lottery for 2 tickets and even as I was doing it, I knew I would win. (Every now and then I have premonitions about things like that.) We aren't going because, honestly, I don't think any of us would have had fun trying to keep the kids happy and warm while dealing with a city that is overrun with tourists, albeit fantastically giddy ones. Just the potty dilemma was enough to make me not want to go. Kai has the worlds smallest bladder, and he is a country boy (read: allowed to pee anywhere he wants outside) so certain social niceties, such as NOT whipping down his pants to pee when in urban settings, are a bit beyond him.

But here is the best part. I was able to give the tickets to my mom and Polly. They were going down no matter what, just to be with their gleeful fellow Americans, AND the inauguration happens to fall on my mom's 65th birthday. She was at JFK's inauguration and shook his hand and also (thrillingly) met Robert Frost. She was interviewed for Vermont Public Radio last week (it airs Monday morning at 7:30 for you Vermonters) and the thing that moved me most about what she said was the fact that she didn't REALLY believe she would see this day. She didn't have the same faith that she thinks our generation had. And she is so proud that "We the People" have actually made the words of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution ring true. Because all men ARE created equal, and it feels like for the first time, this country is finally making some real leaps in meeting it's promise.

It isn't just that Obama is black, although that is huge, especially for a country whose prosperity was built on the backs of slaves. It's that he worked for it. He didn't get into Harvard on his daddy's coat-tails. His family LOOKS like a real American family, with a white mother, an immigrant father and grandparents from the heartland. This family could be anybodies family. America is a melting pot, more than any other place I have seen, and it feels great to FINALLY have that reflected in our leadership. And, as a member of a trans racial family, I am thrilled my children get to grow up in a country where this is not only possible, but, I suspect, will become the norm. I predict lots of crashing sounds in the future as glass ceilings of all sorts start shattering to the ground.

Mom called me yesterday from her seat on Amtrack, cheerfully relating that they were running almost 2 hours late because they were right behind Obama's train. The sounds of the other people on the train celebrating made it almost hard to hear her, but let me tell you, the woman is excited. She can't wait to be shoulder to shoulder and rump to front with her fellow Americans on Tuesday, and I can't think of a better way for a great woman to celebrate her birthday than to be at a party as a great citizenry celebrates the inauguration of a great man.

Avast Ye!

2009-01-11T09:53:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the silence, but our lives got a bit insane after the new year. We are a hair over-scheduled. I'm just happy that they aren't in pre-school because they would be spinning like tops. We have ski school, piano, dance class (Grace), karate (Kai. Grace can't join until she is 5) and hockey. All these things are only once a week, and we have 3 days with nothing on the schedule, but the first week of new activities is always crazy. Just getting out the door is a challenge. The fun thing about their ski lessons is that I drop them off and go skiing with a couple of other moms, which is so fun. We have been tearing it UP! Of course between that, cross country and skiing with the kids (which involves snow-plowing for HOURS and hoisting them up onto the chairlift and up any hills they can't skate up) I am practically a broken woman this weekend. Oh, my life is hard. I play all day and have perfect. healthy children. Pity me. Woe!

Then, we had to have Kai's birthday party, which was a pirate theme, but there were also many, many princesses, a king, a storm trooper and Anna, who started out as a pirate and then changed into scrubs from Grace's doctor kit. It was a most excellent crew. So, we had somewhere between 35 and 40 people here on Saturday and I have to say, I feel so lucky to live in this community. Waterbury just has so many deeply cool people! It was a good time.

Kai requested a cake shaped like a pirate ship. So I figured I'd try it. Then he decided he wanted 2 ships having a battle, so I obliged. It was waaaaaaaay easier than it looks. Seriously, no harder than a layer cake, plus, more fun to decorate. Behold...

So when we lit the candles (which were the cannons) on of the "planks" caught fire, but other than that, it was a success. The only thing missing were my nephew Aldwyn and my sister and her husband. Next year though, they'll be here next year.

The revellers....

Noah and Grandma. She is sitting next to the wife of a friend I have known my whole life. Seriously, my mom was pregnant with me when his mom was pregnant with his older sister.

I've known Hannah since we were 9 years old.

The Treasure....

the plunder.

Princess Emmy inspects her loot.

Dr. Anna makes house-calls. The pirate mustache and beard are my favorite part of this outfit.

So, that was super fun. This week we will be skiing a lot in the beginning of the week (both x-c and downhill) because by the end of the week we are looking at a deep freeze. Or, as my high school boyfriend's bus-driver used to say, "It's gonna be colder'n a witches tit in a brass bra!"

I'll leave you with that.

Mostly pictures

2009-01-02T13:27:00.000-08:00

Have you ever tried typing with a 10 month old on your lap? No? Well it's not happening for me, so here are some photos of a few recent activities. Missing are Christmas morning, because I hadn't made coffee yet and they were up at 0-dark-thirty, and also the many trips skiing and sledding because, well, I only have so many hands. However, skiing is one that must be documented because DAMN, those kids are cute, and FAST. And fearless. It's awesome. Anyway, Noah is trying to write too so I'm off, but here are the kids.

Dance class. She loves it and she loves her friends.

At Zach's parents with a few of her cousins. There were 9 grand kids there in total, 7 of whom were 5 and under. Fun times!

Opening presents and Grandma and Big Pa's house.

These hockey pictures kill me. She is the most beautiful bad-ass ever.

My sweet boys.

Happy New Year! May it be a great one for us all.

Look who's FIVE!!!!

2008-12-30T13:10:00.000-08:00

My baby boy turned five today. FIVE! I walked around all day with this slight feeling of panic and made the poor child promise me repeatedly that he will always want to cuddle and kiss his mommy and daddy. This may prove a bit awkward when he is 26, but oh well, a promise is a promise.

I remember so vividly, right down to what I was wearing, when this child first came into our lives. It was totally unexpected. We thought we would be travelling to Kazakhstan "blind" (which means you meet and choose your child in-country, you are not referred a child) so we were anxiously awaiting travel dates, not the phone call we got. I was at work, happily plugging away, when Zach called and said "So, Lisa called......." and my heart stopped. I asked if we had travel dates and he said "Nooo... we have a referral. It's a 6 month old boy" Upon which there was much joyous shrieking and happy confusion and questions about when, WHEN, WHEEEEEENNNNNN could I see this boy's face. Zach was finally able to forward me the pictures, we got 6 great ones, and as they opened, my breath caught. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, could have prepared me for a baby of this kind of beauty. When I called our coordinator, she picked up on the first ring and squealed "April! You have a Gerber baby!!!!" The video, that the FED-ex worker brought to us on her day off because that's the kind of place Vermont is, was the BEST 10 minutes of my life to that point. Even the adoption pediatrician, who is not known for being effusive, sent us an e-mail that said "I got the material and will evaluate it tonight, but I have to say I LOVE this baby!" Everybody has always loved this boy.

His darling birth-mother loved him and still does, of course. She stayed with him in the hospital for almost 2 weeks and breast-fed him. Hers was not an easy choice. I can't imagine the pain of her decision. I love her, and my heart breaks at the thought of their separation, even while I rejoice at my luck at being allowed to be his mom.

This boy is wild, and brave and naturally principled. He is loving, and kind, and incredibly destructive and messy. He is somehow able to whine and laugh at the same time. His hugs are likely to cause bodily harm and his love of, well, everything and everybody, literally radiates out of him. He is always ready to like people and his instincts about the true nature of others is dead on.

He is a snuggle bug. Not to old to cuddle up with his mom and dad. He often asks for someone to "snuggle him to sleep" which we almost always oblige because, let's face it, how much longer do you think that request is going to keep coming. He slept in our room (they all did) until October of this year (when Noah's wakings and their schedule started to interfere with each other) and now that he and Grace are in their own room, he sleeps through the night, but I miss his little body coming into our bed in the middle of the night. I confess to a secret thrill when he calls to me in the wee hours because of a bad dream or... whatever really. I race down the hall, leap into bed with him and we burrow down all warm and cozy and he always says "Mmmmaaammmmmaaaaaa!" in this sweet, happy, declarative voice that just fills me with my love for him.

His sensitive edges are wearing off a bit, and he is getting a tinge of sarcasm about him (NO idea where he picked THAT up), but there is no way that anybody could ever take the sweetness out of this boy. From the first day we met him, he has been a happy guy. He was a little unsure of who we were, but ready to like us immediately. He is always ready to like everyone immediately. That's just how this child was made.

Now if only his mother would brush his hair once in a while.

Happy solstice!

2008-12-22T03:59:00.001-08:00

The sun starts wending it's way back to our side of the globe today. sunsets will continue to get later until the first week in January, but sunrises will start getting earlier every day.

Judging by the oh-so-scientific measurement taken from the top of the picnic table, it seems as though we have about 2 feet of the absolute fluffiest, softest and most Christmas-y snow imaginable. It is glorious!

Zach, who was laid out on the couch with weird and flu-like symptoms yesterday, disappeared last night at around 9:30pm for a while and came back covered in snow and looking like a frosted donut. I suppose a more observant and loving wife might have thought "Huh. I wonder where my feverish husband has gotten to? Perhaps I should make sure he isn't face down in a snow-bank," but I was too busy staring at a sock I am knitting trying to figure out what in the hell I was doing wrong. I had picked up stitches, as you do after turning the heel, but the thing didn't look right AT ALL. It took me a good 15 minutes to figure out that I never actually turned the heel, and what I was looking at was not, in fact, a sock, but a very lovely and warm, alpaca tube. ( I blame The Perfect Storm. I was so busy taking deep breaths just because I could, and being grateful I wasn't drowning that I wasn't paying nearly enough attention. Pick your movies carefully if somewhat tricky craft maneuvers are in your future. That's all I'm saying.) Just before I was about to throw the whole sock down the disposal, you know to teach it a lesson, Zach came back in and distracted me. He took me to the window to show me what he had been doing, and the dear man was outside all that time, making a snow maze in the driveway for the kids to find in the morning. Aahhh, nothing like a fever-induced work of art late at night. The kids were enchanted in the morning. So enchanted in fact that they spent a few serious minutes walking around it and looking at it and admiring it and then went and played in a snow-bank for an hour. After which Zach had to snow-blow the whole thing away so we could go to a cookie decorating party.

Yes the sugar consumption continues apace here. Although I must say that I, not being one for self-restraint, appreciate the Jackson Pollack-like glee with which my children decorate any surface that looks like it could use a little cheer.

The kids are headed to Grandma's this afternoon to, and I know this will shock you, decorate more cookies, these to be hung on the tree. Although given the dog's evident love of decorated baked-goods, I think we will limit the cookies to the top 1/3 of the tree.

So I send you all the merriest holiday greetings and hope that the next few days are fun and somewhat peaceful. We intend to spend the cross-country skiing and sledding and wrapping presents. No more shopping, we are done.

O Tannenbaum, OTannenbaum.....

2008-12-17T09:16:00.001-08:00

So, I know that, given my snarky personality and love of mocking, I should be commenting on the Illinois Governor's insanity and the basic a**holiness of the "Ponzi Scheme" folks (that term also bugs the bejeezus out of me, for some reason), who stole from charities, churches and other unsuspecting people, but I don't have it in me. Turns out there will always be jackasses a-plenty in the world, and really, the actions of these morons speak for themselves, no help needed from me. Although the Blagojovich thing in particular made me laugh for the better part of the morning when the story broke. Especially when I read some of the transcripts of calls that were made with his wife shrieking profanity in the background. I, most assuredly, do not have the worlds' cleanest mouth (Have I mentioned the time Kai asked me to "read this fucking book?" No? Another time.) but that woman could make a sailor blush. It was really quite impressive.

Anyway, with that out of the way, I can proceed with the update on the Christmas goings on around the Hotel Dumpling. We went and cut our tree on Sunday. First, you have to have your tree scouts dressed and ready on their vehicle of choice. In this case, sleds.

Grab the nearest adorable grandparent you can find. In this case, my mom.

And if there is a beautiful Swede hanging around, so much the better.

Kai takes a Charlie Brown approach to tree selection.

But cute woodworker guy and I felt called to this beauty.

Noah was a little annoyed here since he was trying to sleep. Nothing puts him to sleep faster than a little fresh air.

Cute woodworker guy quickly felled the tree and the big kids "helped" (aka. got in the way) him drag it back to the truck.

Grace got bored "helping" so she and Hilda took the easier way back.

Once home, this beauty did not disappoint once we had it covered with lights and decorations. The glowing table next to it is our snow village and is a work-in-progress. Or it might be done, we are losing steam in the decorating, but we could get a 14th wind, who knows.

Ahh yes, our ginger bread house.Yeah, what can I say. The roof kept caving in, so I finally chucked it and it is now topped with iced and be-candied cardboard. It was really quite annoying putting it together. And even with those modifications, the roof still had to be propped up with those little pieces of cardboard triangles. Then we let the kids do the decorating. We started to get all anal about it and realized, nobody gives a crap, so it is a festive explosion of candy and icing, some of which is now missing because they woke up at 5am and started picking at it, and some of which is now missing because apparently the dog, who is older than dirt, managed to revive enough to stand on her rickety hind legs and eat most of the chocolate "rocks" that make the pathway. (Hilda witnessed this moment of canine cunning, I did not.) I'm surprised the effort didn't do her in completely. It has caused some fairly horrendous intestinal distress that I won't go into at this point. In short, things are moving along at a normal, crazy, and disgusting pace around here.

This is the Christmas card Hilda sent to her family in Sweden. So adorable!

They look so sweet and harmless in this picture. Don't be fooled. They have been jacked up on sugar for about 2 weeks now and the cumulative effect is getting terrifying. In January, I'm sending them to sugar rehab.

Coming soon, hockey pictures, ballet pictures and I was tagged last week by a friend, but haven't been able to give the question any serious thought. Or even any non-serious thought, really.

Busier than Santa's Elves over here!

2008-12-13T12:52:00.000-08:00

So we had ourselves a little snowstorm and then some mighty cold weather, so with the exception of the occasional quick trip outside for sledding, we have been nesting and making and creating over the last 24 hours for the Christmas Holidays. Behold!

Fleur de Sel Caramels to give as gifts, wrapped in wax paper "candy wrappers." This was the end of batch one. It never made it into a single gift box. Hopefully batches 2-4 will at least make it out the door. So damn yummy!

And then there was this lovely and incredibly simple sewing project. How cute are these bags?!?! I made 3 of them yesterday afternoon and whipped one up this morning before I was done with my first cup of coffee. THAT'S how easy it is. I have enough fabric to make one for all the ladies on my list. I have it down to about 45 minutes per bag now. Simple and fun!

Then there are some of the socks I am making. Now I obviously didn't make these all in the last 2 days. I have been working on them since Thanksgiving along with other things. I think I'll have time for one more pair, or maybe a hat and some mittens. Obviously, these all have mates, but with the exception of the pair for Zach, I have not decided who is getting which pair. I still have some beautiful and incredibly soft angora sock wool, so I think I'll just see who in my family is nicest to me over the next 10 days and then that person will get a decadent treat for their feet.

This cardigan I have been slowly working on for Zach since the summer. Must finish sewing together, knit the neck and figure out how in the hell to put in a zipper. Anyone have any tips?

Even the kids got in on the action. Here they are practicing their sewing.

And the lovely Hilda made these cute little saffron buns for St. Lucia's day, adorable little Swede that she is.

Here she is in the kitchen. We are so lucky to have her with us for the next year.

And what has Noah been doing, you ask? Well, he is busy being exceedingly adorable.

Yup, his job seems to be making us laugh.

Even the mountains and the trees got in on the beauty and festive mood.

Now Zach and I are about to get ready to go out to the first of many Christmas parties. Grown-ups only! Hope your weekend is as lovely!

Quick sad note.

2008-12-11T06:32:00.000-08:00

Remember my friends who wanted to figure out if there was a way to adopt a baby they met while doing humanitarian work in Cambodia? Well a few weeks ago, the baby's birthdad came back to the hospital to claim him, and we all thought "Yay, he'll have his family and this is a good thing." Even if it did mean that the door was closed for my friends, they only wanted the baby's happiness and well being to be provided for. So they sent around an e-mail thanking everyone for their support and relaying that baby "R" was now with his papa and would we all send some good thoughts to them and hope for their health and happiness.

Then, 2 days ago, my friends received some devastating news from a colleague in Cambodia. Baby "R" was dropped off at the hospital (again) and despite their best efforts, he died. It was exactly what we had all feared would happen. The baby died among strangers. My only hope is that he was with someone at the time of his passing, but my friends says she was told he was alone.

I don't know what the family's circumstances are, and I can only imagine how hard life in Cambodia can be for many people, so I am loathe to pass judgement on the father or anyone else in baby "R's" family. But I will say that I think that no matter what we are going through, we have to protect the most vulnerable among us at all costs. My hope is that's what the father was doing by bringing him back to the hospital instead of, say, leaving him in a ditch. The very act of returning him to the hospital means that baby was NOT abandoned, and the fact that 2 families wanted to parent him means he was very much wanted, so there are a lot of broken hearts across the world right now. I am holding the father and family in my thoughts, I am sending that baby's spirit all my love and I am crying right along with my heartbroken friends.

Please keep all the families who are suffering the loss of a child in your thoughts today. Thanks.

99 Meme

2008-12-06T11:39:00.000-08:00

Stolen from http://alaydhien.blogspot.com/ The rules are simple: bold the things you've done. Explanations are optional. Fun is guaranteed.

1. Started your own blog (puhleeze)

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band (does singing count?)

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity

7. Been to Disneyland/world

8. Climbed a mountain

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo.

11. Bungee jumped (not sure why I haven't but it just hasn't happened)

12. Visited Paris (lived there for a while)

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child (three, in fact)

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train (many times in many countries)

21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch hiked (but just to run shuttle for white water boating)

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping

27. Run a Marathon (Zero interest in doing this)

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset (sometimes both in one night)

31. Hit a home run (never have and never will, oh well)

32. Been on a cruise (My idea of HELL. A nautical version of Sartre's No Exit, in my opinion.)

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance (only once)

47. Had your portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies (we don't sell cookies in Finland, we sell Xmas calendars)

62. Gone whale watching

63. Gotten flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book (Everyone's dream, right?)

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper

85. Read the entire Bible

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (unless fish count)

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone’s life (OK, this one is debatable, but I was on a Search and Rescue Team for years and we found many, very lost hikers, climbers and hunters. Would some of them have died if not for me? Doubtful, because there were so many other S&R folks, but I have been party to rescues of people who would have died without our Search Team finding them. So there.)

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Lost a loved one

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a lawsuit

98. Owned a cell phone

99. Been stung by a bee

How about you guys?

Sending out the love

2008-12-05T04:42:00.001-08:00

It's funny how sometimes just putting something on paper (or in this case the screen) can make it happen, or change it or at least change the way you feel about it. After writing about my psychotic children, they have, of course, been perfect angels. I must admit to having used a quote from the ever-adorable Lori's comment about "If you are not bleeding, dying, throwing-up or on fire..." just this morning on them. Whoo Boy, that one made me laugh out loud when I read it. But in general, it has been quite the happy fest here at the Hotel Dumpling. I am decorating the house with a fury Martha Stewart would admire, and we are generally getting into the swing of the festive season.

And while I am thinking about it, Lori is another mom-to-be waiting patiently, or actually not so patiently but she puts a good face on it, for a referral from Kyrgyzstan. She has been waiting to be a mom basically forever, and she will, so clearly, be great at it. I hate that she is still waiting. I have other friends and acquaintances who are also waiting for referrals and have been for a long time. Like the amazing Jeanne, whose contract got to our agency 2 days after ours and she still hasn't received her referral for a baby boy. Meanwhile we have been home with Noah for 4 months. TWO DAYS separated our contracts and she is still waiting, and I might add, hopeful, helpful and supportive of all the other waiting parents out there. And then there are people like Suzanne, who has been over to Kyrgyzstan, met her beautiful daughter-to-be and then had the program slow down to the point where she actually went back to visit the baby because she couldn't stand the idea of not seeing her for so many months. But the ones who I hold in my thoughts the most are the families and children who met each other LAST WINTER, and are still waiting for their court dates to go through. They are adopting from Bishkek (we adopted from Tokmok which didn't experience a slow-down until this summer) and there are literally dozens of families stuck at various points in this crazy process.
Then there are the babies and children. The babyhouses and orphanages do their best for them, but Kyrgyzstan is poor and there isn't going to be enough electricity this year for everybody to keep the lights and heat on all day. They are going to have scheduled rolling blackouts IN THE WINTER!
Now, obviously adoption is not the solution to a country's problems with poverty or orphans, but this is a small adoption program and it will help a few kids who don't have families gain that stability and love that only a parent's love can provide.
My point is, I think about this program and the people stuck in it every single day. Adoption is so much about luck and timing and, well, yeah, luck. We got ridiculously lucky with our speedy adoption of Noah. And we know that. We are amazed by it every day. But there are families all over the world waiting and worrying about the children they hope to parent. They are committed to these children no matter what. I hold them all in my hearts and thoughts every day. Them and the children and the birthparents. Because I truly believe that good thoughts and love can move mountains. Maybe you could take a minute and send some love and good vibes out to all the families waiting to be united too? Thanks.

Another time, I want to talk about how we can all live in such a way that doesn't contribute to the poverty and inequality that separates children from birthparents in developing nations, because I do believe that adoption should always be a last resort. But not now. Now I just want these waiting families to be together.

Exasperation and Gratitude

2008-12-03T05:47:00.000-08:00

My children seem to be on cycle wherein they can only manage not to be a total pain in the ass every other day. Take this week for example. Monday was from hell, complete with ear-splitting tantrums and whining that could raise the dead. In fairness to the kids, cute woodworker guy and I could have handled some of the tantrums a little better but, good GAWD, that was a long day. Then yesterday, Tuesday, all rainbows and sunshine and loveliness. And this morning, well, the jury is still out, it could go either way at this point.

I think Kai is going through a growth spurt because he is spectacularly clumsy at this moment, and sensitive to the point of lunacy. The things he is flipping out over don't even make sense. And then, on a day like Tuesday, he is all smiles and giddiness at the joy of being alive. He said, and I quote "This is the BEST day EVER because there is ice on the driveway!" How can you not love that? His mood swings are intense, and some days I can't keep up. I know this is a phase. He goes through this every time he has a developmental leap, but it can be hard to remember that fact when you are trying to tell someone that he can have a new apple and doesn't need to freak out over the one that fell in the mud.

We are working on him articulating what is bothering him instead of howling and crying at the top of his lungs. So far, what it boils down to, is that sometimes he thinks being the oldest stinks. He wishes he didn't have to be the oldest, it can be really hard and he doesn't know what to do about it. I am gonna put him in touch with my eldest sister and Zach's eldest sister, both of whom will be able to commiserate with a hearty "True dat!"

Birth order is a tricky business and can so deeply affect who we become. I don't think he realizes what a spectacular older brother he is, although I try to point it out to him all the time. His younger siblings worship him, but of course, even adoration can get old. And he has a legitimate gripe. Those little dudes can be maddening.

Grace is actually going through a delightful lovey stage with me. Lots of kisses (she used to be stingy) and lots of "I love you" s are making for a very sweet moment in her life. At the same time she has also resumed hitting and biting her older brother when she isn't worshipping him and has discovered the wonderful world of taunting. Yeah, it's not so cool for him.

And can I just mention how much tattling drives me bananas! "Mom, Grace said that she wanted to ......." fill in the blank. "Mama!!!!! Kai tried to......." fill in the blank. Jesus Christ, that is annoying. Basically, I don't want to hear about anything that could get someone into trouble, only if someone needs help getting out of trouble. Like, if someones head is stuck in the banister, that is information I want. And blood, I do like having blood reported to me. Otherwise, work it the hell out between yourselves! Honestly, there are days I want to put them in a padded room and let them go to town on each other.

Oh, but they are so achingly sweet together too. And they make each other laugh like no one else. And they are always thinking of the other. If one is leaving to go do something without the other they hug and kiss goodbye and say "I love you" and practically rend their clothes at the prospect of a separation of a mere few hours. And the reunions! Hallmark doesn't have commercials this sappy.

And even after the craziest days, where feelings are so raw and a cup of juice poured in the wrong glass is a tragedy of the worst sort, I am filled with the deepest sense of gratitude that I get to be here with them. Gratitude and somewhere in me, mirth. Because no matter how insane they are being, there is a part of me that sees the hilarity in some of our more trying moments.

Last night, Noah was up most of the night with a high fever and we were snuggling in bed. He wasn't too fussy, he was kind of dozing on my shoulder and Zach would periodically leap out of bed for Motrin or another bottle of formula and I felt the deepest sense of happiness and peace. My big kids were sound asleep in their beds after a day of decorating the house, my baby, though sick was safe and snoozing in my arms and my husband was holding me and telling me he loved me. It was that kind of quiet that only comes in the wee hours and our house felt like a haven. I know how lucky I am. Zach and I both do. We talk about it all the time, really, almost every day and even in the moments when I am sure they are trying to drive me crazy, I hang onto that. I am so very grateful for the life I lead.

Thanksgiving Pictures

He's all cheeks and sweetness this one. Easiest baby in history.

Making apple pies with Oma.

Noah is concerned about the camera, not his brother.

Snacks with cousins Matteo and Luca.

Painting while daddy and cousin Mark play music in the background.

At this point in the weekend, Kai and I just gave up and stayed in our pajamas all day. It was the elastic waistbands you see.

Two exceedingly sweet men.

Quick! Go buy a lottery ticket.

2008-11-25T11:14:00.001-08:00

We have had quite the 24 hours over here at the Hotel Dumpling. Zach has been offered 2 new big woodworking jobs (helping a buddy make a custom circular staircase for some huge house on Long Island, and making a table and 8 chairs for a friend of the family's) and sold a cello all in a span of a day, and then our stimulus check came in the mail (Which we will spend on a very sexy purchase. Heating fuel. Oooooh baby!) It makes me want to run out and buy a Powerball ticket, and I never buy lottery tickets.

Usually the holidays just mean that a giant vacuum is attached to our bank account and turned on high. It makes for a nice change to have this year be one where we can relax about the finances a bit, especially before the festive season and given the current economy.

The woman who bought Zach's cello flew up here from Puerto Rico to try it! And the weather could NOT have been any more disgusting today, sleet and snow and rain and yuck!!!Thank God she loved it. I am almost jealous of the cello. How come it gets to jet off to the Caribbean? She is the 2nd cello in the PR Symphony, so the cello will be back in PR tomorrow and it's first gig is playing the Nutcracker. Kinda sweet isn't it? I like knowing where they are going and what they will be playing. They are a bit like kids. A lot of love, hard work and quite a bit of swearing goes into them. They drive Zach crazy, but turn out beautifully.

So, our REAL kids have started playing hockey, and I literally don't know what to do with all the gear. Between the hockey bags and the downhill and cross country ski gear I am having trouble getting into our mudroom. I mean honestly, look at the pictures of them posing next to their hockey bags. These are 4 year old human beings. They are not large. Can you imagine them once all the crap in those bags is on their little 40lb bodies? I'll get pictures of that next week.

I love that Grace gets out of her hockey gear and immediately dons her princess garb again. But look at the size of those bags! They couldn't have taken up Hackey Sack? Or chess? Something that doesn't require a U-haul to get the gear to the rink or the slopes?

I know, I know, I'm the one who introduced them to skiing and riding. But the hockey thing is all on Zach. I don't even know how to dress them for it. Although I am a very capable cocoa buyer at the rink concession stand. I can hand over $5 like nobody's business!

At least Noah's only sport is Olympic Jolly Jumper bouncing in the heavy-weight class. He always seems to be wearing this outfit when I take his picture. I guess I do put it on him a lot. But it pleases me no end to be able to wander around the house and shout "I found Waldo!" whenever I see him in it.

My life is full of simple, and inane, pleasures.

On boys and hibernating.

2008-11-20T04:25:00.001-08:00

So, twice in the last 10 days Kai has fallen asleep at about 4:15pm with a headache and been out for the night. Which, of course, means I was frantically researching "headaches in kids" on the internet, sure that it means something, and it does. It means he had a headache.

Yeah, not so good on the not jumping to conclusions over here. I was mentally scheduling him for brain surgery.

But I think part of my fear is that I don't want him to get migraines like I do. I would do ANYTHING for my kids not to ever have to go through that. Hell, I would do anything not to have ANY kid go through that. He has never complained of a headache before and he never gets sick. Never. And he has an absurdly high pain thresh hold, like, kinda dangerously high. As in he does some CRAZY stuff with his body, falls, everyone around does a collective "Woooooaaaaaaahhhhhhh!! That had to hurt!" and he leaps up smiling. The number of times I have found cuts with crusted over blood that he has no idea how he got, is too many to count. How many four year olds do you know who, when they have a splinter deep in the bottom of their foot grin devilishly, "Dig IN there mom, c'mon, get it out. This is cool, it's like surgery!" And when I say"it's gonna hurt." He smiles and says "that's OK, it'll heal."

Don't hurt his feelings though, because those nerves are right there on the surface and even an unintentional rub the wrong way can bring on sobs that last a long, long time. His soul is fragile, and delicate and needs tender care. His enthusiasm for life vast, his heart and capacity to love, endless. His body, its a vehicle to carry that soul. It needs care, but he doesn't seem too concerned with the occasional scratch, bump or gaping wound, as long as it works and can carry his bright, shining, slightly reckless spirit from one fabulous activity to the next. Being the mother of sons is something else, I tell you, something else!

I'm having a hard time settling into myself this year. Usually, about this time of the fall (or stick season as we call it around here) I am totally into everything that speaks to feelings of warmth and comfort. But for some reason I am having a harder time settling into that this year. Maybe it's because we are going through tough sleep issues with all the kids right now, meaning that I am up a lot with one or all of them every night. By the time the day is over and they are snuggled into their beds, I am good for nothing but watching Scrubs or going straight to bed at an embarrassingly early hour. Hopefully that will sort itself out with the arrival of white noise machines and the ridiculously overpriced, but evidently brilliant, kids' sleep clock I had to order from Europe.

Part of the problem is that, since it is dark until about 7am, the kids can't tell when it's OK for them to get up, so they leap out of bed anywhere from 4am to 5:30am, when really, they are not supposed to leave their beds until 6am, otherwise mommy turns into a sleep deprived screaming machine. This clock is supposed to tell them when they are allowed to get up. I can't WAIT for the thing to arrive.

The other reason I am not able to nest as much is because of the baby. I had gotten used to being able to sit with the older kids and work while they played or did puzzles or colored (by work I mean knit, sew or cook. The work that feeds my soul.), but with a baby, I can't. He is too wiggly to hold while I knit, I can't put him down long enough to even get the sewing machine out, and while I can, and do, cook with him on my hip, it's hard to get into the pleasure of the textures and smells when your worried about him sticking his little fingers into everything. It's all good, it's just that I had forgotten how many things I can't do with a baby in my arms. On the other hand, I can just hang out with a baby in my arms, which is always good (except when he gets heavy, which is happening more quickly these days.)

I usually make all my Christmas presents for the grownups, and I will again this year, but it would not be possible without the addition of Hilda, the wonder-Swede, in our lives. We have an au-pair, and she ROCKS! She and I are going to be sewing our little butts off, the kids and I will be baking, and somewhere in there I will finish Zach's sweater (I KNOW, but I started it waaaaaaay before the baby, so it doesn't technically make me nuts. Oh, and when I ran out of yarn, the store owner informed me it was a discontinued yarn, and my head almost exploded. I had completed 2 front pannels and the back, all in cables and 3/4 of the first arm. I thought I was going to throw up. Then she found 2 skeins and I was quite possibly the most relieved person in Vermont. I digress.) and make mom and Polly each a pair of socks. Everyone else should expect book-bags, aprons, place mats etc. Things that can be sewn together quickly, but made of the nicest materials, naturally.

Anyway, first we have Thanksgiving, which is the BEST holiday ever. No gifts, no stress, just food and family and viciously intense card games with Zach's siblings and cousins. They are not above cheating, so vigilance is required.

You know, from the Godfather.

2008-11-16T11:52:00.000-08:00

So, the butterfly cake was a hit. It had pink, it had sparkles and it was devoured by the kids and parents alike.

There were a ton of kids in our house yesterday and it went great. They were all so good! No tears, no fights, nothing but rambunctious and extremely loud play. Kai and Grace are so close in age, they share a lot of friends, so the party was a blast for everyone. I know it was a good shindig because a lot of them were in their skivvies by the end of the evening, but that's just how we roll around here.

We had a pinata, and the only one I could find last minute was a horse which happened to look rather like our pony Violet.

You can imagine where this is going, right? Yeah it didn't end well for the little guy.

Oh, dear.

It's like something out of The Godfather. You know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, the kids had a great time, most of all the birthday girl, which was the whole point after all wasn't it?

Happy Birthday Gracie!!!

2008-11-14T07:27:00.000-08:00

So my beautiful daughter turns 4 today. How in the hell did that happen??? We woke up early, we had pancakes and opened presents and are now trying to survive the ensuing sugar crash and over stimulation caused by the acquisition of NEW THINGS. This child is so amazing. She is so sure of who she is in a way I don't think I have ever been . As my mom's friend Pat says "Grace is a complete package. None of her spills over." By which she means that Grace is Grace no matter the situation. I am deeply affected by place, and time and other people's moods. Grace is not. She is who she is.

Sometimes that person is incredibly bossy, and sometimes heart achingly sweet. She can be a tyrant and an angel in the same breath.

For a little over 3 years I have had the privilege and challenge of being this girl's mother. Some days I feel so inadequate, as if there is no way I can be the mother she should have. Other days, I feel like, if I can just stay out of her way and not try to interfere, just love her, then it will be alright. More than alright. She will be spectacular.

I have a hard time not bending them to my sometimes forceful will. Parenting a stubborn little girl isn't easy and power struggles pop up before I even know it. There are a lot of days when I forget to say to myself "She is a baby. You do not need to fight about this. How important is it really?" Because usually, I am just trying to make a point. Or she wants to do something that's going to be messy, and honestly, why do I care? Messes can be cleaned up, and she can help. Points don't always need to be made. I can let her win a few from time to time.

I like to make a new parenting resolution on my kids' birthdays and for Grace, I am going to try to not stand in the way of her heart and soul and yes, even her will. Before I know it she will be gone, and I won't get a second chance at this. I am lucky to have any chance at all.

Today is, naturally, the day her birth mother is most on my mind. I wonder how she is doing. Is she sad? Is she thinking of Grace? Does she even know where she is? We are still trying to find her. We are on our third search and are hopeful this time will be our lucky shot. Mostly I want her birthmom to know that she is loved beyond measure, that she is healthy and happy and not stuck in an orphanage. Kai's birthmom didn't know what had happened to him until we found and contacted her. She was greatly relieved to hear he had a family. I want that for Grace's birthmom too.

But more than that, I want to find her for Grace. I want her to have a picture, an address, maybe even a place to visit. In my dream scenario, we would be able to go back and meet her and Grace could have all her questions answered. And I could say "thank you." Thank you for taking care of yourself while you were pregnant. Thank you for having her in a hospital. Thank you for having her. Thank you for loving her.

Kai often asks about his birthmom and I have pictures and a story to show him. And Grace spins these beautiful fairy tales about her birthmom and always talks about her in the most loving way, but I have no pictures, no letters, nothing but a name for her. I want more for my daughter. For this amazing child who asks for so little in her sweet life. For the little girl who crawled into bed with me this morning at 5am, snuggled in tight and whispered "Mama, can I have a butterfly cake that's covered in pink and then put sprinkles on it? 'Cause today I is four years old, ya know." If she wanted 18 carat gold flakes on her cake, I would find a way to make it happen.

Curse you facebook!!!!!

2008-11-12T04:08:00.001-08:00

Why, people WHHHYYYYYYYY????? Why did I join that giant popularity contest of a time-suck? Why? Yes, there are people who instantly popped up who I haven't talked to in some time (Hi Hillary, the kids are adorable!) and there are people I would like to touch base with. But mostly I was dismayed by the sheer number of people Facebook claims I went to high school with who I have absolutely ZERO memory of. Who are they?? I am sure they are delightful, it's just that I felt like I had entered an episode of the Twilight Zone wherein the past I thought I had lived happened in some parallel universe that I can't access.

Plus, you know, all the pressure to be witty and cool. Not to mention interesting. I am not that interesting. I am a stay at home mom. I make play dough and wipe butts for crying out loud. And all those people with like, 457 friends. Seriously??? How? When does anybody have the time for 457 friends? I don't have enough time to talk to the people I really love, like my long suffering sister in Austria who probably thinks I don't love or miss her because the 6 hour time change is proving too much for me to master. Annabel my love, you would be wrong. I desperately love and miss you and it turns out this whole "you guys being away for a year" thing totally sucks for me. I am not making out well in this deal. You guys are off having fun and being all adorable posing next to castles and I am stuck here missing you.

Anyway, for a dedicated procrastinator like myself, Facebook is akin to a curse sent forth from the gates of hell itself. I am so not going to get things done that need doing now. Somebody please tell me the novelty wears off.

On the bright side, turns out my older brother and his wife, who live in Australia, are on there, so that was kind of a nice surprise. Hey James!

On an adoption note, I have a good friend who just returned from Cambodia with her adorable doctor husband where they spent a few weeks doing good deeds for the people over there who need good deeds done for them, namely almost everybody. While there, they evidently fell in love with an orphan they desperately want to adopt, but, as most of my friends in the adoption world know, Cambodia is closed to American adoptions. There was fraud see, lots and lots of fraud and people trying to make money off the selling of babies and Cambodia closed their doors. The problem with that is that there were also good people trying to help kids with no homes and get children out of institutions and into homes who have never known what family is. There are always good, dedicated people in the adoption world working diligently next to the crooks trying to make a quick buck, and it's not fair to the kids or the people who truly care that everybody gets lumped together.

I have no idea what to tell this lovely young couple other than, don't get your hopes up too high. Try every avenue you can think of, but the answer will probably be "no."

I have seen so much heartache caused by the closing of programs, the slowing of programs and the whims of bureaucrats. I have never, however, had to counsel someone who wants to adopt a child from a country that has a closed program and they know that program is closed from the onset. This is a new one for me. If anybody has any ideas, feel free to pass them on.

And on a final note. I welcome, wholeheartedly, comments that disagree with me and my posts as long as they are as respectfully written as Corinne's. I have absolutely no problem with people thinking I am full of it, I probably am, and feel free to voice that in the comments. I will not respond to the comments most of the time because this blog is mostly a writing exercise for me as well as a place to get down my thoughts, so I don't feel it needs defending. I love that so many of you are checking in though, especially those of you who disagree with me on religion and politics (again, screaming liberal here) so please sit back and make yourselves comfy.

Calling someone a cheeseburger does not make it so.

2008-11-11T04:06:00.000-08:00

So, this headline was, of course, the first thing my eye was drawn to this morning. And I must say I am fully on the side of the Jews here. Baptising dead people is just plain rude. The Holocaust wasn't horrifying enough, now people who died because they were Jewish, aren't even Jewish anymore? Can you also make them not dead? And, I am pretty sure it wouldn't work anyway, because doesn't the baptisee (new word! made it up myself!) has to actually believe in said religion in order for the baptism to take. For example, they could baptise me all they want, but since I don't believe in God, it would pretty much be a waste of their, and more importantly my, time. Perhaps I should offer myself up as a potential victim, I mean baptisee. If you leave one deceased Jew alone, you may baptise me. How's that?

Now, I have nothing against people who are devout. There are a lot of religious people in the adoption world and I have some lovely friends who pray for me and my family (which I kind of love, I have to admit. Holding people in your thoughts is a powerful and loving thing to do.), but never once (to my knowledge) has one of them tried to convert me or baptise via e-mail. And I don't spew my heathen philosophies all over their in-boxes or down the phone lines either. It's called common courtesy.

The Mormons call this harrassment of the dead "posthumous baptism by proxy." I personally think that anything done by proxy leaves a giant loophole and quite a bit open to interpretation. For instance how can they be sure it worked? What if there was a misspelled name and the person they think they baptised doesn't actually exist? What happens to that baptism that is free-floating in the ether? Could it randomly crash into some unsuspecting Buddhist? It is all very confusing and not a little annoying.

Cute woodworker husband had the inspired thought that gays and lesbians should mentally sleep with the Mormons doing the baptisms, thereby making them gay. They could call it "fantasy gay-making by proxy." It would solve the whole Proposition 8 fiasco in California. If all of a sudden a bunch of Mormons who voted for Prop 8 woke up tomorrow and found they had been made gay (by proxy), they might rethink their stance on gay marriage. Or maybe not. You have to admit, it makes about as much sense as the baptisms.

On the kid front, Noah is teething, which means he cannot be put down. Ever. This is not one of my favorite stages, but I know it will pass. In a few years when the last of his baby teeth come in. Ugh.

The big kids are great. They ran screaming outside this morning to build a snow-fort with the millimeter of snow that had fallen. Optimistic little buggers aren't they? Below are some Halloween pics including one of Noah that is my revenge for how sore and lopsided my left side feels from carrying him. He actually had 2 costumes, but I can't find the ones of him as a cow (Kai was the cowboy, Noah the sole member of his herd.) Grace was, of course, a princess. What else?

The cowboy costume was actually Zach's when he was a kid. How cool is that?

HA! Revenge is MINE! Oh, like you don't have embarrassing and mean shots of your kids. Fine, here is one of him happy.
See those two teeth? We call them twofers (get it, cause he only has 2?) and it is the fact that their buddies are coming in up top that none of us have been sleeping much this week. Somebody explain to me the biological reason that teething has to hurt?

Kai is really into painting on his face, but other than that, look at how happy and cute they are. Ahhhhhhhhh. Dumpling love.

Well, HI there! I'm new here too.

2008-11-10T03:33:00.000-08:00

So, some of you have found me via http://www.taylorkid.com/, our adoption website, and some of you are wondering who the hell I am and why you are even here. Not sure I can answer the last part for you, but I can try to answer the first.

I am April. A chronically sleep deprived mother of 3 adorable monkey dumplings who wake up too early, never stop talking and really make me laugh. I am also the wife to one very sweet and handsome man who is deeply funny and has the added bonus of being handy. Our house is consequently in a permanent state of renovations, but since I am not a planning on entering it in Architectual Digest any time soon, it's all good. Plus, ya know, free labor and a cute guy with a tool belt. How can you go wrong?

Some things I love (in no particular order):

coffee, books, travel, knitting, sewing, cooking, baking, skiing, horses, The Obama family, hiking, Nina Simone, clean teeth, my family, clean sheets, my friends, my husbands family, swimming naked, Thanksgiving, outdoor concerts, Paris, people with funny accents, the Huffington Post, Vermont, weddings, cheese, births, birds, the ocean, snorkeling, the word "snorkeling", my town, David Sedaris, new sock wool, Christmas, the Caribbean.

Some things I hate (again, in no particular order):

cleaning, getting bumped from flights, electric stove-tops, Caillou, migraines, bigots (does it make me a bigot to hate bigots?), the politics of the far right, dropped stitches, not knowing where my car keys are, burned coffee, capers, laundry, flat tires, pimples.

My older two kids were born in the same town in the Republic of Kazakhstan and the baby is from Kyrgyzstan, 6 hours from where the other 2 were born. Yes I saw Borat. Yes I think it's hilarious but I couldn't get through the whole thing because I get really embarrassed for people and have to turn away. I couldn't even get through the Palin/Couric interview because I felt bad for Sarah Palin, and she is not someone I would normally EVER feel bad for. I am a screaming liberal, just so you know. Just in case you care.

Anyhoodle, I am in to adoption, but am an advocate for adoption reform and will post some stuff about that another day. It's a whole topic unto itself. Hell, it's a whole blog unto itself and there are blogs dedicated to the topic. I would love another baby, but it ain't gonna happen. We don't have the money or stamina for a 4th. Although that could all change. For now, we have tied the adoption tubes.

Kai, the eldest, came home in '04 at 8 1/2 months. He is sweet and smart and funny and ridiculously athletic and deeply sensitive. He is really into guns. I have given up that fight. I don't actually think he is going to shoot anyone, mostly because he hates hurting anything so much he gets hysterical when he does. He is a great big love-bug. He's 4.

This is Grace. She is amazing. She is loving and head-strong, and opinionated and sweet, and beautiful and graceful and gets really embarrassed if she thinks she has done something wrong. She has been saying "I HATE you" to me when she is mad since she was 2 years old. The teenage years are going to be long, very long with this one. However, she is also the one who tries to make everyone feel better when they are sad. We have nicknamed her "Kofi Annan" for her superior mediation skills amongst her peers. She will be ruler of the world someday. Just do what she tells you to and you'll be fine. She'll be 4 on Friday.

And this is Noah. Born at 6 weeks early at 3 1/4 lbs, he now weighs 19 lbs at 8 months old. He is super mellow and loving and has the sweetest smile. We call him "HH" for "His Holiness" because he looks like the Dalai Lama. I would not be surprised if he is the next incarnation. Basically I am expecting a bunch of Tibetan monks to show up any day now and ask to take him to a monestary. They'll have to wait. I haven't had my fill of snuggles yet. His siblings worship him and he is well situated to be the proverbial spoiled youngest child who can do no wrong. He is the third, so things are pretty laid-back in terms of his care. We feed him and give him naps, don't get me wrong, but we are not slaves to the schedule like we used to be. Thankfully, he just goes with the flow. He is AWESOME!

So, this blog will be mostly about our life, parenting, travel, crafts, adoption, basically whatever I feel like writing about on any given day. I will attempt to load all of www.taylorkid.com onto this blog and archive it, but that could take me a while. In the meantime, if you are curious about our actual adoption process, you can still head over there and check it out.

Welcome! I will start adding new posts later today.

Testing. Is this thing on?

2008-11-09T05:03:00.000-08:00

Moving from website to blog. Oh joy!