Happy Birthday Gracie!!!

So my beautiful daughter turns 4 today. How in the hell did that happen??? We woke up early, we had pancakes and opened presents and are now trying to survive the ensuing sugar crash and over stimulation caused by the acquisition of NEW THINGS. This child is so amazing. She is so sure of who she is in a way I don't think I have ever been . As my mom's friend Pat says "Grace is a complete package. None of her spills over." By which she means that Grace is Grace no matter the situation. I am deeply affected by place, and time and other people's moods. Grace is not. She is who she is.

Sometimes that person is incredibly bossy, and sometimes heart achingly sweet. She can be a tyrant and an angel in the same breath.

For a little over 3 years I have had the privilege and challenge of being this girl's mother. Some days I feel so inadequate, as if there is no way I can be the mother she should have. Other days, I feel like, if I can just stay out of her way and not try to interfere, just love her, then it will be alright. More than alright. She will be spectacular.

I have a hard time not bending them to my sometimes forceful will. Parenting a stubborn little girl isn't easy and power struggles pop up before I even know it. There are a lot of days when I forget to say to myself "She is a baby. You do not need to fight about this. How important is it really?" Because usually, I am just trying to make a point. Or she wants to do something that's going to be messy, and honestly, why do I care? Messes can be cleaned up, and she can help. Points don't always need to be made. I can let her win a few from time to time.

I like to make a new parenting resolution on my kids' birthdays and for Grace, I am going to try to not stand in the way of her heart and soul and yes, even her will. Before I know it she will be gone, and I won't get a second chance at this. I am lucky to have any chance at all.

Today is, naturally, the day her birth mother is most on my mind. I wonder how she is doing. Is she sad? Is she thinking of Grace? Does she even know where she is? We are still trying to find her. We are on our third search and are hopeful this time will be our lucky shot. Mostly I want her birthmom to know that she is loved beyond measure, that she is healthy and happy and not stuck in an orphanage. Kai's birthmom didn't know what had happened to him until we found and contacted her. She was greatly relieved to hear he had a family. I want that for Grace's birthmom too.

But more than that, I want to find her for Grace. I want her to have a picture, an address, maybe even a place to visit. In my dream scenario, we would be able to go back and meet her and Grace could have all her questions answered. And I could say "thank you." Thank you for taking care of yourself while you were pregnant. Thank you for having her in a hospital. Thank you for having her. Thank you for loving her.

Kai often asks about his birthmom and I have pictures and a story to show him. And Grace spins these beautiful fairy tales about her birthmom and always talks about her in the most loving way, but I have no pictures, no letters, nothing but a name for her. I want more for my daughter. For this amazing child who asks for so little in her sweet life. For the little girl who crawled into bed with me this morning at 5am, snuggled in tight and whispered "Mama, can I have a butterfly cake that's covered in pink and then put sprinkles on it? 'Cause today I is four years old, ya know." If she wanted 18 carat gold flakes on her cake, I would find a way to make it happen.

Curse you facebook!!!!!

Why, people WHHHYYYYYYYY????? Why did I join that giant popularity contest of a time-suck? Why? Yes, there are people who instantly popped up who I haven't talked to in some time (Hi Hillary, the kids are adorable!) and there are people I would like to touch base with. But mostly I was dismayed by the sheer number of people Facebook claims I went to high school with who I have absolutely ZERO memory of. Who are they?? I am sure they are delightful, it's just that I felt like I had entered an episode of the Twilight Zone wherein the past I thought I had lived happened in some parallel universe that I can't access.

Plus, you know, all the pressure to be witty and cool. Not to mention interesting. I am not that interesting. I am a stay at home mom. I make play dough and wipe butts for crying out loud. And all those people with like, 457 friends. Seriously??? How? When does anybody have the time for 457 friends? I don't have enough time to talk to the people I really love, like my long suffering sister in Austria who probably thinks I don't love or miss her because the 6 hour time change is proving too much for me to master. Annabel my love, you would be wrong. I desperately love and miss you and it turns out this whole "you guys being away for a year" thing totally sucks for me. I am not making out well in this deal. You guys are off having fun and being all adorable posing next to castles and I am stuck here missing you.

Anyway, for a dedicated procrastinator like myself, Facebook is akin to a curse sent forth from the gates of hell itself. I am so not going to get things done that need doing now. Somebody please tell me the novelty wears off.

On the bright side, turns out my older brother and his wife, who live in Australia, are on there, so that was kind of a nice surprise. Hey James!

On an adoption note, I have a good friend who just returned from Cambodia with her adorable doctor husband where they spent a few weeks doing good deeds for the people over there who need good deeds done for them, namely almost everybody. While there, they evidently fell in love with an orphan they desperately want to adopt, but, as most of my friends in the adoption world know, Cambodia is closed to American adoptions. There was fraud see, lots and lots of fraud and people trying to make money off the selling of babies and Cambodia closed their doors. The problem with that is that there were also good people trying to help kids with no homes and get children out of institutions and into homes who have never known what family is. There are always good, dedicated people in the adoption world working diligently next to the crooks trying to make a quick buck, and it's not fair to the kids or the people who truly care that everybody gets lumped together.

I have no idea what to tell this lovely young couple other than, don't get your hopes up too high. Try every avenue you can think of, but the answer will probably be "no."

I have seen so much heartache caused by the closing of programs, the slowing of programs and the whims of bureaucrats. I have never, however, had to counsel someone who wants to adopt a child from a country that has a closed program and they know that program is closed from the onset. This is a new one for me. If anybody has any ideas, feel free to pass them on.

And on a final note. I welcome, wholeheartedly, comments that disagree with me and my posts as long as they are as respectfully written as Corinne's. I have absolutely no problem with people thinking I am full of it, I probably am, and feel free to voice that in the comments. I will not respond to the comments most of the time because this blog is mostly a writing exercise for me as well as a place to get down my thoughts, so I don't feel it needs defending. I love that so many of you are checking in though, especially those of you who disagree with me on religion and politics (again, screaming liberal here) so please sit back and make yourselves comfy.