Sunday, March 15, 2009

Aaaahhhhhh. Fresh air.

Oh. My. God. That was a long stretch of sickness and weirdness and funk! But it's over and the sun is out and the weather has been glorious.

We got out today for a little cross country skiing. Unfortunately my camera battery died half-way through the outing, but I got a few good ones.

Two of my beautiful men getting ready.

My little pink ski princess. Jesus, that's a lot of pink. That girl loves her some pink.

Look at how white we are. It's like we just emerged from a cave. Very attractive.

He even makes falling look GOOD.

Minutes before pegging her grandmother in the ass with a snowball. She's not as innocent as she looks.

Makin' tracks.

Beautiful grandma, beautiful day.

Going downhill on cross country skis is so much more unsteady than on downhill skis therefore the shrieks of glee must be louder. It helps the balance, don'tcha know.

It's good that spring is on it's way. I need to air out my house, air out my head and dust in the corners of my mind. I am stuck on where I am going in my life and in our family's life. So many different scenarios are going through my head. Kai heads off to kindergarten next year, and I hate it. I would home-school in a minute, and it is a possibility, but I think he should at least go to kindergarten to see how he feels about it.

I am having a hard time moving past the baby phase. For some people, they know when they are done having kids and they are relieved to move on. But I am definitely grieving the end of this phase in my life.

I think we are done having babies, and although I have always wanted a fourth, it just doesn't feel like it's in the cards for us. I am having a hard time knowing that there will not be another baby to look forward to in our family's future. I have never had that before. We knew we were having each one of our kids, they were all so definitely planned. (There is no such thing as an accidental adoption. Can you imagine? "Honey, I don't know how to tell you this, but I accidentally filed 47 different pieces of official documentation with the State and, well, it's a girl!") So now, I have to come to grips with ending that chapter in our lives. We have been so lucky, and raising the kids is so far beyond anything I could have dreamed of. But still, I am sad at this ending.

And then there is always the old "NOW what do I do with my life" thing. I mean, besides raising our kids, which frankly is more than enough, but my brain (I think it's still in my head, I hear something rattling around in there,) my brain could use a little training. Some calisthenics. A little yoga. Arguing about whether or not someone can wear their party shoes into the muddy driveway is not the mental exercise I am seeking.

I am actually incredibly fulfilled staying home with them. I know that is politically incorrect to say. I am supposed to "want it all," but I don't. I just want a small slice of a delicious life that is rich and filling. I don't want the whole cake, especially if it is some low-fat version of something I know should be great. But I do want to keep my brain nimble and possibly do something part-time or go back to school, or something I haven't even conceived of yet.

So, what should I do with my life? Seriously. Some of you know me pretty well. Any ideas? More babies? More school? Full time job? Part time? The hell with work? I am open to all suggestions. Just know that cubicles and fluorescent lighting are not a personal dream of mine.

And mom, you don't get to answer this one online because I KNOW you have thoughts on what I should do with my life. The comment section is only so big, however, so maybe you should just call me and tell me what I should do. And try not to be right so much of the time. It's very disheartening.


Kristyn said...


I've been following you guys for a while (not in a stakerish-type of way I promise, I know you from the adoption section of MDC).

Have you thought of social work? Maybe working IN international adoption? That was my whole reason for going into social work, so that someday I could work in that form of adoption, preferably with China. You just seem to travel to so many cool places and know the world pretty well, that maybe that would be something you would be interested in?

Either that, or what about volunteering? We're going next month to volunteer in a Chinese foster home, but you could do so much locally. I've volunteered holding babies at the children's hospital, in Big Brothers/Big Sisters, at a Domestic Assault Shelter, etc. The possibilities are endless, and the rewards are amazing. Not that that's why people volunteer, but it doesn't hurt. :)

Allison said...

I could have written this exact post! I am at the same point in my life right now and feel like I'm at a crossroads: more babies, going back to school...I just don't know! Right now we are leaning toward our fourth adoption but it would most likely be an adoption of a toddler with special needs; however I'm trying to decide if that's my heart talking or if that is the best path for our family. I'm curious to see what others have to say about your post.

fashionCHOPSHOP said...

hi april!!

it's grace, noah and bella's momma. we sent kai (when he was your only child) a yoga shirt. do you remember us? kai is so big and cute as ever!! and grace and noah are too sweet!! i just found your blog and can't wait to read up on all the happenings on your end.

please, send me your email address.... would love to catch up!


superfunmom said...

I highly recommend homeschooling :) Of course, you don't live in the state ranked 50th for education like I do, but I still see many benefits in home education. I blog about our experience, if you are interested in a liberal, secular homeschooling perspective:

Your kids are adorable. I have three bio kids and we are in the process of adopting a fourth.